Calling In a Favor
I am sitting in our kitchen. Literally in the house we bought together and made a home. In the place that we called home until you died. I lived there for a time after but it never felt the same. This place you poured your heart and soul into. Where we lived in a renovation disaster for far too long, where we learnt what it was to be adults, where we really grew up. All your hard work to make it beautiful, it really is lovely. Heather and Jay have kept it up so perfectly, and it’s sweet seeing the girls living here. But coming back here has been a trip. To come back to such a gorgeous place, and almost fall back into life as it was without you is confusing. I can’t wrap my head around you not being here. As I drove into town I was coming into Lake Country and I saw your work trucks heading towards Vernon. And just like that, I was back in it. This is your town, I thought I would hate it more.
I felt overwhelming resistance to coming back to Kelowna. Like it was repelling me. Babes you loved this place, but once I left it is like it turned bitter in my heart. Still, I felt compelled to put on a healing yoga retreat here in Kelowna. With the best of the best that worked life back into my lifeless soul after your death. I wanted to offer this to others that may need a little something, that might be searching for a kind of healing that isn't so mainstream. So I did it. I created the entire retreat concept in one sitting, and it sold out in no time. I asked you for your help and guidance and while I was so scared to put something this big on, I knew it was the right thing. Now it’s here. Today is the day. It begins this evening and I am all nerves, excitement, and so fucking sad that I can’t share it with you.
Of course there are people I could call to talk about it with, but no one that would care like you would have. That would know the ins and outs of how much this means to me, how much work it has taken to get here, how much of myself I have put into the creation of this week. You were for sure the hardest on me. My biggest critique but you were also my biggest fan. You pushed me far more than anyone else and I would get so frustrated with you, but when you saw me follow through you were proud of me, like honestly proud. That is rare a find. Sitting here going over the final touches I'm feeling scared to step into this role and would give anything for a huge hug and a little pep talk, but I have to do it on my own now. It is just like this now, I go it alone. Holding the biggest joys and deepest pains on my own has made me much more dynamic, but it is not easy for me.
I still talk to you all the time and sometimes wonder if you are guiding me. I have taken more risks since your death than I ever did before. I know you would be proud of that. You used to bug me about all the ideas I had and give me lectures about follow through…
So I did, and now the time is here and 16 sweet souls are trusting me with their time, bodies and hearts. I am both a little nervous and feeling completely ready.
I just miss you.
I can do this on my own, I am doing it, but God I wish you were here to share it with me. I'm missing you by my side. Failure or success you were there, you had my back. You wouldn't miss a beat showing me where I could have done better, but at the end of it all you had my back. You would have come out to the retreat and taken photos, taken a class, graced us with your big beautiful smile, bear hug, and laughter. Rene, I miss your laugh, no one makes me laugh like you did.
My love, I have gotten tougher, refined by fire for sure. I know I am meant to be leading these retreats, this right now is exactly the work I am here to offer, but I can’t help but long for you. For you to witness it, to see how far I have come. To see some of what you knew was in me, what you were always trying to pull out, coming to life.
If you are off doing what you do wherever you are now, I am going to ask you to stay close to me just for today. Just as I find my voice in this role, today I need you.
You prepared me for this. You were the reason I took yoga teacher training, you are the reason I am who I am today. It is because of our shared lives that any of this is possible and I am so thankful to you. I see the healing happening in people through me. I see them fining language or an outlet for their experiences through mine. I see how we are offering people a real gift and I know how precious that is. I know that as scared as I am, it really isn’t about me. And from the moment we gather this evening until we leave on Friday I know I will be in my element. Teaching yoga and coaching are one of the only places I feel whole since your death, but the build up to big events is always a lot of energy for me to hold. I have always found the day of an event to be intense, only before I had you. You would hold some of the weight of it for me, and now I am learning to carry the pressure on my own. You helped me until I was strong enough to go it alone. I honestly don’t feel like doing these things without you, but in your honor, I am. I am doing it, which is what you loved to see.
I am missing you. You were a gift in my life. This extreme pain that I feel now is a sign of how fucking rad you were, and how much I loved you.
Babes, today I’m calling in a favor. Stay close to me as I find my footing here without you.
~with all my love
Babes, as I have been writing this I have gotten calls and texts from so many people that are special to me now. Many of them are new to my life since you left it. I get it, I am not alone. I don’t have you in the way I used to so I have to find a way to let others in like I let you in. I now have all of them, and together they make up a version of you.
Thank you for sending them, I'm going to be Ok.