Life Right Now
He said he knew I would be different than the average girl… He knew I had lost my fiance and while he didn’t know too much about me he had thought about what that might be like for me, for him, and for us, if there ever were one.
Then there was.
What he has given me is a container for me to address what I could not on my own. I had done so much work on myself since Rene's death, but I could only take myself so far. I am meant to be in love, I am better a part of a couple however, I knew it would take a very special man that would hold my hand as I took on new this new adventure.
He is special.
He is not only by my side, but we spend our time face-to-face. He sees it all and he does not shy away. He doesn't try to fix it, or change me, he is just there. Steady, certain, reliable. This is what I need. I never needed anyone to fix me, that honesty only made me feel broken. I needed someone secure in who they are that would be patient with me as I learned to be secure in who I am. I could feel something different about him from the start, and thought if he wants in, if he wants to be with me, then he is going to have to be ok with the things I am still making peace with about grieving. So, I let him see it all bracing myself for his walking away, almost expecting it, but trying so very hard not to create it. Checking in again and again that I was not sabotaging something amazing, while showing him the truth and letting him choose.
I still have bad days, really dark days, and I am only barely ok with them myself. To let someone else into that is terrifying. This year around the anniversary of Rene’s death I was having a hard time but still trying to be functional. Something I have for the most part gotten good at, only he was too close to fool. He was on the inside now, too close for me to hide my pain. One day there was no way I was getting out of bed, but wanting to keep it together when he came over I said, I am just a little tired today but I'll get up. He took my hand, looked me in the eye and said, ‘I think you might be tired for a few days’. Then just stayed beside me.
It was in those moments, and there have been many, that I knew he could handle it. He could accept all versions of me. The best of me, but also the parts I am working on.
By having him in my life I have become so much stronger. I have dramatically fewer hard days, and the ones I do have are softer, shorter, and there is an ease in not being in them alone.
He has given me something bigger to care for, an us.
By having his support I have grown in ways I will never be able to put into words and could not have done on my own. I’ve taken on a master program again, I’ve begun to think about my future;
I have started to dream again.
I don’t know, I will never be sure of anything ever again.
But I can tell you, grief gave me gratitude and for everything I have in my life I am so very grateful.
~with all my love