Back in The Game.

Ok babes, I'm gonna fucking do this. While the pain is strong, I'm stronger. Out of sheer will I am going to get my life together. You always said, 'Chels, ideas are hot but execution is sexy'.  I hear you babes. I'm doing it.

The idea of living in your honor has been dear to my heart from the day after I heard you'd taken your last breath. It is what has gotten me out of bed.

I keep thinking of the morning after, the next morning came and in that moment i said, OK let's take Ollie to the lake.  Each day after that I have done my best, or at least I have been telling myself that. 

I feel like I am at a turning point. Am I going to have ideas about living or am I actually going to do it? For you my love I'll follow through. While most of my life people have told me I am cute, you saw the sexy. You pushed me to get in the game. By nature I am a dreamer but with you by my side I turned many of my dreams into reality. Now I am on my own, but I still have all of you in me.

I have Rene written all over me. So baby, today is the day I take the idea of having a life and execute on it.

I will falter, I know this. While I am a dreamer I am also a sadistic kind of realist. You managed that part of me well, often getting in my face about it. ‘Chels, how do you know it won't work…’ Haha man what am I going to do without you?

I'll tell you, I have a plan. I wrote it down… Ok you know that's a lie… it's in my head, but just for you I will actually write it down. Then every single day I'll work on it.

If I am going  I live for both of us, I better get started.

Babes, when you see me again you're going to be so damn proud.

Thank you for all that you believed I would be, it is the only thing keeping me going.

Loving you now and always.