Back in Time.


On this day one year ago I was clueless. Although thankfully I was fairly awake in my life, mindful, and living intentionally. Still,  I lived the ever pervasive lie that things only got better. On this day a year ago, I actually had a wonderful day. A day that I would have remembered for how great it was for years to come, but under the circumstances of what I thought my life would be this day a year ago would have somewhat gotten lost in the mix of all the good days.

28 days away from marrying my love Rene, a month away from starting my masters program, planing a few winter getaways, a honeymoon to Africa, and negotiating babies. I was holding out for more time while he was holding strong at two years max.

So this beautiful day one year ago, would have maybe been a day we thought about now and then, but most likely would have faded into the tapestry of life.

Only now knowing what happens one year ago tomorrow, this day one year ago is a big deal.   Already I can't seem to remember the finer details, I think I worked and Rene golfed. But that wasn't really the best part anyway. From the afternoon on we were together. We had a nap, and lunch, then we went to an outdoor concert. I remember feeling like we didn't quite fit in, like we were kids at the adult table. But Rene knew so many people there, and reminded me that we too were adults now. We noticed all the money spent on plastic surgery, and even spoke about what it must be like for someone that was there that we knew was fighting cancer.

We talked a little about how precious life is, but from the distant way we do when we really have no understanding of death. We contemplated  the meaning of life, but arrogantly from the unconscious viewpoint that we would live forever. We enjoyed the concert; we sang, we danced, and we acted like children. We drank good wine, and loved the moment as much as each other. It was a perfect day. Still, to be honest, we had had many similar days over the years.

But see one year to the day tomorrow, Rene died.

My beautiful 29 year old, healthy, fit, strong fiance; he died. No notice, no time for a good bye or last words, just gone. So while we have had many great days, the one that we lived on August 15th 2015 will forever be something else.

Living like life would never end, truthfully having no idea that it could play out any other way than old age. Not knowing that that precious day would be our last together, and yet making it count like we did. 

So today, I think of this day one year ago; fuck am I grateful I loved my man with all I had. That I saw him; gave him my time, my energy, my attention, my body, my mind, and my love. And that he did the same. Imagine if we had been shitty to one another? Imagine if I had been awful, if I had been upset over the trivial, you know as we have been taught is alright?  We have been mislead, we have been misinformed about life, about time, about what matters, and mostly about how to treat one another.  So here is the truth.

Check yourself. Check what you make a big deal about, what you are bitching about, and what you are considering a burden. If you just look at it a little differently it is most likely a privilege. Watch how you are speaking, and acting, especially to those close to you. Do it now. From someone who is so pissed off to be the one passing along this lesson; love your loved ones, being mindful that it is a luxury to have them and not a guarantee. Most of what you are worried about, complaining about, or making into a big deal, it doesn't really matter, does it? If it does deal with it, head on, with all the love in the world take care of it once and for all. See there is this other way, a way where we are grateful and we show it. Where we are kindest to those closest to us, where we give them our best, where we show them how rad we think they are everyday!

Hold them a little tighter, stop keeping score, forgive or get out. We don't know what tomorrow will bring, so take great care with today.    ~with all my love.