Calling You In Heaven.


Babes, Today I canceled your cell phone number. I kept your phone on for a while after the accident. Some of your friends were texting you love, and you still had business calls. I checked the voicemail twice. After that, one day I unplugged it from the wall and I never plugged it back in. Till a few days ago.

That number, the amount of times I called that. I couldn’t even guess, your first and only number. In my phone under babes...although you'd been in there under many names through the years. The things that we have talked about on that line. The texts, the fights, the connection, the love, the little messages or change of plans. I called it a few times early on just to hear your voice, but then one day I Renecouldn't do that anymore. I used to want to look at all your things and see you in video, but now it is harder.

It is a really sad day. Things like this suck. What if I need to call you? How will I reach you? I have called your number from all over the world. Just to hear the sweetest ‘hello’. I could always tell you were smiling when you picked it up. Often with a funny joke or sarcastic remark.

Part of me believes I now have a more direct line, but a part of me thinks I just want to believe that to make myself feel better. Since I can’t be sure I will keep writing and talking to you, thinking of you and sending you my love.

I also met about the sale of your company. I never cared about the company really. I cared about you and was proud of  you for what you had achieved but would say, babes you are not the company, knowing you were so much more than what you did for work. But now it's like I hold on to these things as a way to hold to you. The truth is you are not these things, you never were. To hold you to them is to reduce you. So with all the grace I can manage I will let go of things as the time comes.

I’ll keep your phone, it has our last texts. I asked you to take my dad shopping for a wedding outfit and you sent me back the little kissy face emoji. He got himself a dashing outfit for your celebration. You would have loved it, he dressed up just for you, well maybe a little for me as well. I now have a new phone and don't have any messages from you in it, maybe the first time ever. Things are already slipping away. Babes, know I may let go of your things but I will never let go of your essence.

Loving you.