Babes. Rene I miss you so much, my heart is broken. It's the same as the first day, the hurt is no less, the disbelief, the waves of gutting sadness eating at me from the the inside, all the same. It seems like everything in my life has changed and yet like nothing has changed. There isn't much the same from the life I had August 15th, but the pain that came August 16th lingers. I still feel like my world is shattered and so am I.
It's like I am changing my life around me searching for ways to make it better, only I am getting stuck in this thing they call grief. It comes when it wants and takes me out. The more of a life I start to create the more it messes with me. Now I have to fake that I'm fine. I have to push it down and take care of what I have committed to, but all I want to do is punch a glass mirror and cut myself with its pieces. I don't, but I can see why people do. The intangibility of this hurt makes me crave a physical outlet. It takes over my whole body and rips at my guts, but I can tell it's not of my body. I want it to clear so badly but babes, sometimes my aching for you feels like it will kill me.
How can it hurt so fucking bad and yet nothing is hurt? It feels like I can’t breath, my chest is tight. It feels like I have to be sick but I don’t, it feels like I can’t think straight.
Does it hurt you too? Or is it like a blank slate, you don't remember this, your time here, our time together? I hope that, I hope that for you. I hope you are not suffering. As much as I would love you to remember me, that is selfish.
In the earlier days people would use the word grieving and I hated it, now I know why. I didn't know what it meant. I still don't. It is such a weird word, what does it even mean?
It seems to be a catch all for this bizarre collection of shit that happens after loss. The bigger the loss, the deeper the love, the more ‘grieving’. Meaning the worse your set of symptoms, the worse your pain, the more your life will fall apart, the worse it will hurt, and the harder it will be to move through it. The crazier your reactions, the deeper the confusion, the more time you will ache, and the more damage to your soul. We use the word grief for something that is really indescribable, there are not words. From the outside there is no way to understand. That is why even when I was on the inside I could not make sense of the word, see even from the inside it is confusing. And while part of me has managed to create a life without you, this other part still wants you to come get me. Take me with you. Babes, I am not scared of dying, you went first and I don’t think I have fear about my time. What I fear is suffering, what I fear is living in pain, but joining you, that doesn’t scare me. Yet, for now I am here and you are there. I am taking good care of Ollie and she of me.
Babes, I am sending you all my love.