He Can Still See You. O I Hope Not.


Babes, I thought that I would get through this. I thought that my psyche would know how to deal with your death, but I am starting to wonder if I was wrong. I can't help but wonder if this is just too much to recover from.

I thought I could handle it back when I was still numb. When I had this space between me and reality, where I lived in a crazy high. When the shock of being told my 29 year old fiance died, was so to much for me it sent me into a manic state.  There I lived in a naiveness, even than in the immediate chaos of your loss, I had an awareness that it would get worse. However, how much worse I couldn't have known. How could it get worse, really? But now, fuck, now the reality has set right in. The shift from acute pain to chronic. The gravity of your loss wearing on me. It is making me crazy, to feel this much free floating hurt.

I want not to sound selfish, but I kinda wish we went together. Babes, don't get me wrong I have wonderful days and really happy moments, but I'm not sure they are enough.

I think about that time I slipped on the ice that morning. It was so early, I was leaving for work and you still in bed. I screamed as I fell and you were there in seconds. I was fine but you wrapped me in your arms so tight and told me how a shock of fear ran through you when you heard me scream. I knew than that you would be there no matter what. Middle of winter only boxers, no shoes and no concern for yourself, only for me. I felt so safe, before that too, but that moment stayed with me. I wonder, can you see me now? You would be devastated if you saw me like this. Through all our ups and downs you took pride in being there for me. Yes, we had our shit, but I knew and you knew; we were always there.  Loyal, and deep down I think all you wanted was to protect me from all the hurts. This hurt though feels like a full time fucking job. Some people say, you can still see me. O no, for both of our sake, I hope that’s not true. For you my love, that would be torture. To see my suffering, to see our hurt.

We all miss you. My Dad, loved you like a son, my mom she loved you so. I talk about you with T sometimes, I think it is a bit confusing for her so I only talk about you with her when she brings you up. It's crazy to me that Claire will never know you. I don't use the word papa with Ollie, I bet if I said where's Papa, go find Papa, she'd run to the office like she used to. Only I think that would be mean, I think if she isn't thinking of you I don't want to remind her.

The world around me will move on, it's already happening. I have friends now that have never met you. That only know me without you. That's fucked up. There are songs I think you'd like that you will never hear, there are movies I want to see with you, and there are new episodes of Suits waiting for us.

So I ask you babes, how do I move on with life without you? Really, is it worth it? When I slip now, no one will be there. I hate that, I hate that you won't come. You will never come, I still can't even really process that. I think part of me was holding out, waiting. In complete denial, you were a determined man, and so bloody clever. If anyone could talk their way back, it would be you. So I waited in disbelief, but it's not looking promising is it?

See, how brutal it is learning to let go of a man I am still fully in love with. No fights, no different paths in life, you didn't fall out of love with me, and I didn't change my mind about you; no closure. And yes, it sounds romantic and poetic. The love story that never ends, but firstly I must live with the brutal reality of that. No end, no one moved on, no one to be angry at, no change of the heart, or spark that faded. Just me, left alone, through no fault of your-own.  No part of me has stopped loving you, in fact I wish I had done a better job. I hate myself for not seeing you more clearly, for not learning you more completely, for not exploring every detail of your soul. I wish I had more time with you Rene. I would give my own life here to have one with you wherever you are now. Just imagine how we would be with each other, knowing what we do. How sacredly we would hold one another. 

If you can feel me, you know I need you.  Stay close. My love, stay close.