A Heartbreak Set on Pause


Babes, “A heartbreak set on pause” these words are not mine but ring true. Here we are, well, here I am. I have never known where you went. The endless question for the living, what happens next? Where do our loved ones go when they leave their bodies? Where will we go? Will I ever see you again? I don’t think so. It is almost too heartbreaking to even admit, but I don’t think you will ever be you again, or I will ever be I again, still, maybe we meet again. How some people seem familiar, maybe they are more familiar then we will ever really understand. Once a loved one that we get to meet again.

I think of you often and wonder how you are. I wonder what life is like for you now, and if you remember me. I wonder if my heartache will ever subside. After you died, I lived in your name, out of respect for you. Respect for the life you wanted to live, I lived for you. You kept me alive in a time when I mostly wanted to die. I got out of bed every day out of respect for you. To honor your life that to me seemed to end too soon. But I have no idea what happens next, and maybe it was the perfect time for your next journey, it just seemed hasty for those of us left behind.

I keep thinking that the heartbreak will ease as I live on. So, I lived in your name, and then there was a really dark time when that wasn’t an honest motivator anymore, and at that time I hardly survived. It was a bit after your death, so the world thought I was back to living, but I was hardly surviving. Just barely keeping up with my commitments and spending most of my time in bed. In bed, begging to sleep forever. Slowly I got through those days; slowly I found parts of myself that called out to me. I followed the whispers of my purpose and nurtured that teeny tiny spark of life until it grew. It grew, and I taught from it. I shared about you, about me, and I took a stand for people living their lives and fully loving their loves.

It all led me here, and I have found purpose in my life, offering people a chance to reconnect with their souls, their hearts, and themselves. I have found healing and a love. He came into my life last year and has allowed me to practice what I could only preach after your death; love. He is beautiful beyond belief. I am certain my work for the rest of my lifetime is to show people a more awake way of living. Nothing says wake the fuck up like your 29-year-old fiance’s sudden death. Babes, I got the message and have shared it, but will probably never really understand why you, or why me. Now I get to practice it myself, loving fully.

So, I have all of this and “a heartbreak set on pause.” You and I have had time apart now; it has been long enough that I cannot see what our life would have looked like anymore. In the early days there were plans that we were no longer fulfilling but now, now it is all imaginary. Still, it breaks my heart. It’s just really sad. I am learning how to hold both. “A heartbreak set on pause,” and a heart so in love.

I guess some people are called to become more complex; asked to hold so many seemingly opposite emotions at once. The skilled among us learn to do it in harmony. I am still working on that part. The harmony. Tonight I feel so angry that you died. I feel like it is unfair. Intellectually I know that is ridiculous, people die, and yet my heart in no uncertain terms screams of the injustice. I have been pushing this feeling aside for some time now since it is very hard to express especially when I am so lucky to have all this. This beautiful life with this exceptional man. I refused to stay stuck in grief, so I worked to mend my heart but not barricade it. To heal it but not close it off. I worked so stay open to life and life came to me. Now I learn the art of balancing immense love, joy, and contentment with a “heartbreak set on pause.” Sending you so much love, Missing you