I Know I have a Soul, For I Feel its Pain.


I always thought I had a soul, but now I Know. I was searching for something when I found yoga. I felt so disconnected and couldn’t understand the meaning of life. I was smart and had good grades so getting a higher education and a good job seemed like the path I was heading down. I kept wondering, is this it? Do I aim to get a good job to make lots of money, to work more, to buy shit I don’t even care about, day after day? Is that really it?

I was disillusioned by life, I really couldn’t get behind that but didn’t know any other way. That is all I saw around me, that was the dream. Really?

Then I found yoga, It wasn’t love at first. I could take it or leave it. I wasn’t a dedicated student at all when I signed up for yoga teacher training. Then I started to cultivate a steady consistent practice and in there somewhere I started to feel connected.

I started to feel connected to myself. To trust myself. I started to become self-aware. To know why I was behaving the way I was. I was taught how to see myself more clearly. I was taught emotional awareness and intelligence. I started to feel connected to all that was around me and see that we are not as separate as I once thought. I learnt about energy and how to focus mine.

I learnt that there was a connected energy, some call it god, some call it the universe, and some call it the Self. It goes by many names. I didn’t care what it was called, I just knew that I felt a global connection to everything else on the planet. That gave my life a sense of meaning, a purpose. I liked the idea of a soul, and believed in the more subtle energies of my being.

But now I know there is a soul, or spirit, again the term you use to speak of it is not worth bickering over. Any of the words we could use all fall short anyway.

I Know it is real because I feel its pain.

The pain I feel is not of the body. It comes through the body but I am sure it is not of my body. Like a heart attack can present as pain in the arm or jaw. Like stress can raise our blood pressure, or in the same way depression can make our bodies sore. These are manifestations of the pain, they are not the origin of the pain. The depth of this, makes it clear to me that it is only manifesting in my body. Sometimes it shows up as pain in my gut so strong I curl into a fetal position as it throbs. Sometimes, my heart and chest ache, I feel like it has been ripped open and I can’t help but press my palms against my chest like I am literally holding it together. Sometimes it appears as a loss of breath, I gasp to find a way through it. Other times it is a sting, there is no actual location, there is just an all over sting like a sunburn. Most of the time it is a deep sadness. A drain on everything, the life falls out of my eyes and my smile strangled. All these symptoms not of a wounded body, but of a wounded soul.

I know it is not of my mind. I can rationalize what has happened like no one else. In true Aquarius fashion I have a global perspective on this like I do on most things, but that is for another time. I know it is not of my mind but it can manifest in my mind. My mind tries to make sense of it and falls short. I can be overcome by confusion, frustration, or despair.  Yet there is a deep understanding and knowing in me that my brain and mind cannot explain.

Someone wrote me and said that the body is here as our shields to protect our souls. The irony, I used to be so scared of injuring my body. Worried if I tried to snowboard I could break my wrist. Worried about falling, or slipping, or scrapping up my body. I would opt out of things I knew would feed my soul out of fear of hurting my body. Laughable, the pain of hurting my tissues nothing compared to a hurting soul.  So as you live your life, take very good care of your body. It is the vessel that carries your most precious cargo and therefore deserves the up-most respect.  But most importantly do what feeds your soul, that’s what it is all about.

~With love