In Dreams.


Babes, It’s been a while. There has been so much change and I haven't had words. When no words come it can feel like I am doing well. Like maybe I am starting to live again. I have moved to a new place, out of our home, and I haven't found a spot to write here yet, no where really feels settled. There is so much to say and yet I am trying  hard to just live like normal and the space in between is confusing.  So, I guess I haven't written because how do you tell your beloved you are moving on? That you are trying new versions of your life out? Trying on who you could be? Have been with another? Have had days that feel normal, even good, even great? That you have been happy? All without them.

Happy, truly happy. I can’t. I used to tell you everything, but these things I cannot reconcile with what was, with what I thought would be. These things I would never say to you.  There is two different realities. You and I. Then this. Me here now. And sometimes I want to write you and tell you I am well. I am doing fine, but in the second I start to really think about you I am no longer well. I am destroyed, because there is no making your death OK for my heart. There is simply this other way where I almost live like that never happened. Like that wasn’t me. Like it were a dream.  There is no other way. I am not sure there will ever be another way. I wonder if perhaps I will just get more comfortable with this new life.  I have come to think I will never make peace with the two versions of my life, I feel that anytime I allow myself to really remember you it will never feel right that you are gone. It’s all just coping. I often remember you on the surface, but to really remember is too much. It hurts so badly. Being out of our house, I remember less. I am sorry my love, but it is the only way for me to go on, to try and make something of the life I have left here. To try and find who I am meant to be now, what my purpose is, since it is no longer what it was. 

I have said since early on I feel I am meant to travel and teach these lessons. I tried to give up teaching yoga but it came back full on. I have been sure that this is my work now. I have reached out to a few people to set up some stuff but it hasn't worked out. Then today, it fell in my lap. She said, how can I help? I said I want to travel and teach, plus sadly feel like I need to get out of Kelowna for a while. She said, I can make that happen, when do you want to leave and how do you want it to look….

Fuck babes.

It could really happen and that terrifies me. How is this my life? I thought you would be mine and we would be building our nest here, so this doesn't make sense.  While I am certain I must go, I could not be more angry or scared. It’s too real. Leaving and going off to do this other thing would mean we are really over. I am really going on without you. And I know I have been doing this without you for 13 months now but it is like part of me could still believe we might be again. I know it sounds ridiculous but as she offered me what I know is the next step, my heart broke. The final big piece of letting go. Who I was. Who we were. If I leave here and take this, nothing that was remains. Part of me knows it must happen, the other part would like to stay stuck. 

But, you know all this don’t you?

I got your message today.

I haven’t begged for your help in a while. I haven't been brought to my knees in a bit. But today, today I needed you. As I walked Ollie I asked you for help. I told you how scared I am, that I am terrified and need your guidance. That from the most humble place I believe my purpose is to go and share the teachings I have, but that I am not sure I can do it, that I may not be able to handle it without you by my side. That I am so scared to be alone, to be without you, to be without the people who have kept me breathing when I thought I couldn’t go on. That the thought of really doing this, really leaving the last of our life behind makes me sick, and now that it is possible I am afraid. I begged you to guide me, to show me the way. Do I stay and live the known, this life is nice, I have family and friends here and so much that keeps me together, or do I go. Leave all the known and all that we were and start my new life.  Do I trust my intuition that is telling me that I must go?  I begged you, I was overcome with fear, I could barely breathe and could not stop crying. I screamed for you and pleaded for your help. 

I still talk to you often, I don’t know if you are there but, then, this song. The first time I heard it was only this morning and I felt you, I fell in love with it, like you were speaking to my heart. And then, the first thing after my walk, it came on.

You always believed I was meant to shape the world. You loved, and sometimes hated, the way I saw things, the way I saw the world, and while I wanted more education you wanted me to share what was already within me. I guess we were both right and both wrong. I did have more to learn before it was my time to really share, and yet I never needed to go back to school.  I know what I must do. I know I must go, because it shook me up, it awakened something painful but real. It's time.  

Babes, stay close. I know it seems like I am getting this but I still desperately need you. I do know you love me. I trust you, still to this day Rene I trust you more than I trust most. With all my love, thank you.