No, babes, no no no.

It just occurred to me that one day I will have to stop writing you. And then a wave of emotion. I just realized that as I write you to me you are still real, still alive. We still have a relationship and in that, I don't have to actually say good bye. Not for real. Can I stay like this? Can I still have a relationship with you if you don't even know about it? Or maybe you do, maybe you can feel me somehow. We really don't know. But for the first time I have to wonder, am I delusional?

I didn't know that I felt you so alive till the thought crossed my mind that one day I would have to do other things with my time and not write you. The thought triggered so much emotion I have to wonder. Am I crazy? Have I kept a love alive that isn't real? Is that a problem? Can I just pretend like you get my letters and write you forever?  

Babes, no, no no no no no.

I can't even imagine a world without you. Not for real, not all by myself. Please, please please please. I need you. Rene,

What am I going to do? I can't do this without you. I really really can't.

I am unwilling to even try. I will write you and pretend like you get them. Like you are just away for now. Like you still need to know what is going on here with me and Ollie.

Like one day you are going to come home and tell me all about your time away. Please babes, come back. It's been long enough.

It's been too long and I need you.

Please don't leave me, I have tried not to make you sad, I know you didn't choose to leave me but enough is enough.

Fuck, one day I am going to have to really let you go... No, No, No. no no no no. Not today. God, I miss you. I want you back, I need you back.

Rene, please my love.