Ok Is Ok
Being ok is ok.It's ok to be happy. In fact, it's wonderful. If you've followed my story you know, I am an advocate of being honest about where you are. If you're suffering, I believe in expressing as needed. I believe in the healing process of expression and am an advocate for honest conversation around our truth. But there is another side.
When it's good, let it be good. Those of us that have been hurt, are victims. or hold guilt have the right to be ok as well. You have permission to be happy. You do not need to continually rip open the wound to prove you once hurt. If it's oozing, then be it. If it needs tending to tend it. But do not fall into the trap of ripping it open for others.
Some will not believe all you've endured if you show grace and ease and happiness. Let them judge. Let them, but don't jump on board questioning your right to be happy agian. Being ok is ok. In fact, it's good and not to be missed. The pain is a transition; it's not home. While you're in it, you may need to set up camp because you could be there for a while but don't make it so much your home that you forget you were passing through. The hardships have the potential to deepen our appreciation for the pleasure, don't miss the beauty.
I'll never forget the weekend that was to be my wedding day. Only my fiancé had died 26 days before so no wedding was to be had. I ended up being out of town with a few great friends for that weekend, and we had a nice time. It was fucked up and surreal, and I asked that no one mention what the day was on the day that would have been my wedding. I knew. They knew. I didn't want to talk about it. So we hiked. We ate delicious food. We walked around the lake, and we drank tequila. It was ok. Being out of town where no one was there to pass judgment on how a widow ought to be, we found peace. For moments at a time, I was happy. I remember I laughed. I laughed a lot. Of course, it was no cure, and when I laid my head down at bedtime, the pain felt like it was eating me from the inside. But I didn't miss the glimpses of life.
Here I am three years since his death, and this year I think I am ok. It feels odd. A little like I am betraying him. But here is what I know, we are here to live! The moments of pain and grief they are real. They need our attention. I believe if we are to be freed we must fully surrender to those times and let them have us. Still, we must work our damndest to see the moments of good, of beauty, and slowly but surely those times grow. They come more often, and then one day there are more good days than bad. One day you realize you're ok. And oddly that makes us sad because it feels like in being ok isn't ok. But it is.
It was never a place to stay. Grief, or victimhood, never a place to live. Only a place to grow. If you needed someone to give you permission to be ok when you've arrived at ok. Please, let it be me. Together we are stronger, and we get to hold the light for those going through Hell. Let me tell you, it is possible to be happy again and while there is no pressure on you to get there. Don't hold back when you arrive.
~with all my love