Babes, It just occurred to me. I feel so lost because part of me went with you. This loss of my sense of self has felt like a burden. It’s a scary thing feeling so empty, and I have been angry about it. I’ve wondered if I will ever feel settled, or complete, if I will ever feel whole again. But then this occurred to me, and somehow I was flooded with joy.
I went with you.
I feel so empty because a big part of me left me when you died to stay with you. In that of course I feel incomplete, I am. There is a large wound, an injury so big it felt like it should have killed me, but it did not. At times I was begging for it to take me, only enough of me remained here to fight for this life. My donation to you is unseen, so it is hard to tell if my wound is on the mend. I can’t see if it is inflamed or swollen, plus it is hard to know what aggravates it and what is soothing. There are no tests or medications to make sure my recovery is going well. There were no stitches to stop the bleed or doctors to oversee the process. And of course it was not a clean sterile incision, cut, and transplant, it was as jagged and primitive as they come. Messy and gushing with no drugs for the pain a part of my soul was ripped from me in order to not miss its chance to go with you. For this sort of condition there are no specialists. There is only how I feel, making it extra ambiguous. How do I know if I am on the right track? If my after 'surgery' care is working? Still babes, all of it is worth it; any hurt I feel I would feel again and again if it makes your transition easier.
For the first time I feel a small bit of peace about the loss of myself that came with the loss of you. In this life I would have given you anything. Had you needed a kidney, my blood, or part of my liver, I would have given you it all. What you needed was a piece of my soul, and I am grateful I could give it. It was a privilege to be your match, to be your soul's match. It fills my heart to know you have that much of me, so much of me that I wondered if I could recover. If I could even survive the loss. I did, and day -by-day I am getting stronger.
See I didn't know about things like this. But of course. We needed each other here and that didn't go away, it only shifted. Here we were together in the flesh, I needed your touch, your time, your embrace. Your smile, your passion, and your wit. You needed my kiss, my logic, my heart and body. When you left the physical those things could not transition with you, but my love could and part of my soul did.
Maybe part of you is with me also. In the beginning, right after your death, I felt like you were in me. People asked if I felt you around and I didn't, but it was as though I had part of your essence in me. I know it sounds crazy, but if anyone will understand this it will be you, because you might feel it too. I would laugh at things that only you would have found funny, things that before I would have rolled my eyes at. I wanted your friends around all the time, I wanted all the people around all the time, very unlike me but exactly like you. I reacted to situations in ways that reminded me of you, and felt nothing like me. Sometimes I would watch my behaviors in confusion, while laughing at how much they reminded me of you. It was as though a part of you was now me. Over the months, in the tremendous anguish I lost sight of that. I could no longer feel you, I couldn't even feel me. But if part of you remained in me, and part of me is with you, then we are still together. Never the same but forever together.
Healing is taking its time, and is a painful process, but the truth is I'd give myself to you a million times over. I hope you are well my love. I hope you are well.