Somebody's Chelsea


Babes, I often feel like you are connecting to me through music. I know it sounds crazy and I might think it crazy too only that it is my lived experience. It's a long story as to why but it started only days after the accident. Our wedding band recorded what was to be our wedding song and my love, it is a goodbye letter. I play it in my classes in savasana sometimes, it makes me feel closer to you. Ever since than I have felt like you were connecting through songs. I have found a new love for music and have come across the most ‘random’ songs in the most perfect times. I feel you. Just today this song came up in my YouTube suggestions. I had never heard it ever before and it’s not something I would normally listen to but it had my name in the title so I clicked on it, ‘Somebody's Chelsea’. How could I not give it a chance.

I needed this today. It is like you knew I needed a reminder of what we were.  As I try to move on and navigate life now, I am so conflicted. This reminded me that more than one thing can be true. Us, our love, our life, my love for you,  yours for me, our humanness, and my life now. I can hold it all; there is space in my heart. I am only 30 and have an entire love story that will never end coursing through me. I had a man love me for his forever. You were so proud to be with me, to love me, to have me by your side. You loved that I loved you, ever since high school. I am a lucky girl to have been Your Chelsea.

It does feel like you're still here, when I can let myself feel it. For the last little bit I have shut that down, it is complex to let it all be true. You and me, our life, but now my life. It does feel  like you are alive just in a different way but then sometimes it's too much, so I push you away to live in this reality. I think I am learning how to let it all be true. To live in the mystery and this was perfectly timed. To show up as I walked Ollie, feeling stuck today. I was stuck in a place of hurt and this was the reminder I needed. A dream come true, to be someone's whole world. I can forget cause sometimes right now it feels like a nightmare but under that, I am lucky to have lived what we did. To have had you.

Lately I have been thinking about all our struggles. All our mistakes, all our fucked up humanness. It's like sometimes that's the only way I can make it through. But as flawed as we both were, we sure loved each other. Babes thank you for loving me so completely, please know as I sort through this I am still loving you. I had to take a break from the sadness and feel into the anger but then felt like I was stuck there. I have been resisting you lately. As I made some big steps in this reality I had to keep you at a distance, taking the rings off, your photos down, and letting others in. Thank you for guiding me back today, back to the love, to the truth, God I miss you Rene. Thank you for staying with me. It is hard to hold you and this world at the same time. But I will get the hang of it, just give me time to practice.  

I don't know if I will ever let someone be my whole world like you were. I am not sure if knowing what I know that I will be able let someone in so deep. But I want to thank you for giving me the experience of being someone's world and making them mine. Babes, no matter what else is to come for me I will cherish what we had. I know what it is to experience true love and for that I can't thank you enough. All of this pain is my right of passage for having had what many only ever dream of. It didn't always make sense, it wasn't rational, we hurt each other, we pushed each other, but there is absolutely no doubt, we fucking loved each other, and that is something very special. Babes take the best care of yourself till I'm there to care for you and be cared for by you again.

I am proud to have been your love and to have had you as mine. To have been your Chelsea. I'm missing you.