Two Years Tomorrow.


Babes, Two years ago tomorrow I was ‘supposed’ to be marrying you. It was also the start date of my Master’s program. It was also 26 days after you passed away.

I re-started a master’s program 8 days ago and I am already so behind. I don't know if I am ready to take it on, but here I am. I was reluctant to apply but said if I got accepted I would do it, and I thought it odd that they called to congratulate me on my admissions two years to the day of your death. I could tell the lady on the other end of the line was waiting for my big excited reaction but I simply said, ok.

I dunno babe, you weren't stoked on me going back to school for how much it would change our life and freedom, but I didn’t care I wanted it so bad. But this time around it feels half-hearted, maybe I underestimated what it would take, or over estimated how much I cared this time around.

I am overwhelmed but can't tell what is what anymore. Do I feel like I can't handle it because it's just a big endeavour, is it that tomorrow would have been our wedding day and that is breaking my heart, is it that two days ago I was at Chad and Camille’s wedding back home and you weren't. Yea, they finally got married, the party was a blast you would have loved it. You would have loved it so much, you loved her. She has a baby you have never met and got married…  

I am still heartbroken we didn't get our wedding. I never even really wanted the wedding but seeing Camille dance with her Dad hurt so much, I couldn't help but grieve our wedding. It all just disappeared, I won't have that dance with my Dad, I'll never know what it would be like to have worn the dress, seen your tear up when you first saw me in it, we both know you would have been the one to cry. We will never hear the speeches, have the laughs, or the intimate moments that come with that day. And I'm not saying today would be better if we had gotten married. If we got all of that but you were still gone. I’d be sitting here looking at the photos just as sad. I'm just saying I'm missing you.

For me now crying is so connected to crying for you that I can't separate it. When I cry it pulls me into this way deeper thing. Of course the first week on my master's in counseling psychology is feeling big but this big? I have noticed it before, once the tears come it feels like they draw me into a pain I never had before your death. Now it becomes about whatever is happening in the moment and so much more.

I'm so sorry for me, for you too but I'm not sure you remember this life. I'm not sure you are hurting over anything. But here today; I am grieving and taking on new things. I am loving and being loved by someone who is amazing to me, and missing you. I am balancing building this life and mourning what we had. I am eating chips for dinner and can't be sure if that's just ‘student life’ or me back a few steps in my grieving to when I really didn't care. I am trying to navigate the hopes and dreams of today and the death of the hopes and dreams of two years ago.

I quit my master's the first time around I think almost two months in. To be fair I probably had no business starting it 26 days after your death and everyone could see I would have to drop out but let me at least try. When I applied this time I questions if I had healed enough to take this on. Rationally I think I have. I am so far from that bewildered girl of two years ago, and yet here today it feels as though I am exactly her.

Death is fucked up, it is so confusing. Where are you, why can't I let go? Why, why can't I just let you go? My life here and now is nice, and yet I hurt so often. Is that real? Or is it just all that I thought would be that I won't let go of?

Babes, we are missing you. I am missing you, and I could tell being back home that your friends are missing you too. Sending you all my love.