After This.


Babes, Where are you? I miss you, and it is making me crazy. The mind is a powerful thing, and your death has messed with mine. I once read that it takes a month for every year you were with someone to get over them. I’m sure it was in a very reputable source like Cosmo or Elephant Journal. But let’s just say there is truth to it. I’d be into our 'breakup' for 14 months ish… We had breakups and make ups and a friendship longer than that, so it is hard to say, but give or take a month or two, I should be coming out of the hurt. Only this is death, a far harsher ending. 

I don’t think there is a top 10 ways to heal a broken heart and get over an ex that's passed away. I want so badly to be feeling normal, to feel like myself,  to feel like living again. I hate that there are entire days where I can’t get out of bed. Sure I can force it and go about my day, but I pay for it later. Like trying to work through a heart attack, it is going to take you out. I hate that I have very little real appetite for things that used to make me happy. I hate that it has been 14 months and I feel like it is getting worse. And what I hate the most is it seems like the world wants me to be over it. No matter how much they want me to be better, I want it far more. And yet, here I am, so fucking in it.

People have said the stupidest things to me, I just stand there and take it. Take the hit over and over again, and chalk it up to ignorance. It isn’t really their fault, they just don’t know. The other day a lady kept going on and on about my 'beautiful hair', then she said, ‘never cut it, you will want it for your wedding’. Of course she had no idea, she probably just thought I was a bitch as I mustered up the fakest smile and walked out. I have heard; everything happens for a reason, God only gives you what you can handle, it is just lessons you need to learn, you'll get over this, it's all part of the plan, it will all make sense one day, what doesn't kill you will make you stronger, death is easier than divorce... For real, I have been told that a few times. The other day this guy said to my face,  I am lucky you died and it wasn’t a divorce, at least this will go away and won’t drag on forever.

What the fuck. I had no words, although I am sure fuck you was written all over my face. Still, he went on and I felt like a caged animal  cornered and full of rage. He continued about how brutal divorce is. I contain my pain well so he has no idea that on the inside I was shattered. I try to be really understanding and honestly feel that pain is pain. There is no hierarchy, and mine not worse than anyone elses. I feel for anyone going through loss, anyone saying goodbye to something they love; be it a career, a lover, a pet, who they once were. I feel like I have a tremendous amount of empathy, but come on.

If you didn’t die and we were getting divorced I’m sure I would think that was the worst thing that could ever happen. Granted I have never been divorced so really have no right to say anything about it, he has never lived through the sudden death of his love so neither did he.

My mind races for anything to make it better. Anything to ease the hurt.  I often wish drugs or drinking did it for me. Of course I know  in the long run I am better off not having a habit; I would end up a ghost. But right now not having nothing to soften this  is brutal. 

I am getting ready to go out, to see a band, it ought to be fun. Only I'm so angry. It is just like that now,  I either stay here and cry, or go out and lie... Put on the face, and there will be moments of fun, then I will come home alone and be right back in it. 

Rene, I know I am being shitty. I know you would not love this version of me, and you would tell me to get it together. This is why I need you. I need you to tell me to shake it off and get it together. So 14 months for a breakup, how long for a death?