Just to See You Smile.

Babes, I have been watching a video montage of you that Colin put together. He sent me the link a long time back but I couldn’t open it. In a way I wouldn’t even let myself really see you in my mind, not really, not in detail; it hurt too much. But I have been having a rough few weeks and sat at the lake watching the video over-and-over. Just to see you alive again. Goofing around on the boat with the boys, countless hours spent drinking and playing on the lake. You and I in Aruba, partying with their royalty.  You and your sister being silly, heli skiing, running your mouth playing poker as you would, and playing ping-pong; all with a huge smile.  You were so beautiful. It took my breath away, but also brought me comfort.  

So beautiful. It was as though I had pushed away how charming you were. Maybe I didn't even know how handsome you were. In a way I guess we had moved deeper than that. I loved you for so much more than your appearance. Our chemistry richer than your 6 foot 2 strong body, gorgeous blue eyes, sexy smile, and hair I loved having my hand in. God, your smile, your voice,  your laugh. To hear you laugh again, it made me smile. Even on video, it's infectious and I haven’t heard it since you died. I haven’t been able to watch any video until recently, but am glad I did. Oddly, it softened me. Seeing you and hearing you, it softened me.

Rene, I am sorry if I took you for granted, if I didn't tell you often enough how attractive you were. I hope you saw it in the way I looked at you, or the way I pulled you in close, or always wanted to hold your hand.  Sometimes I see a handsome man and wonder if his girl knows how beautiful he is. I wonder if she sees him clearly, or if she misses his details in the business of day-to-day. I think I did. I see it when I watch you in the video, I see your effervesces in a way I had overlooked. I was blessed to have been by your side. To have been loved by you, and to have loved you.

Babes, death like this is confusing. How I can be so full of love and so full of hurt all at once. 

You are precious in the videos. I thought we’d have more time, more videos, but even through these tears; I am grateful to have had what we did.

~with love