Cleaning out my Closet.
Today with the help of Shauna I did it. The unthinkable. Cleaning out our closet, parting with your things. I have spent the last three evenings sitting with your stuff. Going through your precious items. I found two pictures of me in your wallet that I never knew you had. One from grade 7, you didn't even know me than and I hated that picture, but I remember you loved it. The other from when I was in my bar phase. Oddly enough I don't think we were together when that was taken either, but you carried them both in your wallet. I found every ski pass you've had and your high school ID cards. I sat with your stuff and knew Friday would be the day that I would let go of the majority of your clothing and shoes.
I kept telling myself, you are not your things. That you were never your things and it’s not the shoes that make the man. We didn't really care much about that stuff anyways.
I prepared Shauna,
"Tomorrow we will just do the thing, this can't be a big emotional deal or I'll never do it."
Well we did it, and it was a big emotional thing.
It was fucked.
There are no worthy descriptors for what it was.
You are not your stuff but your stuff holds memories and with each item my heart broke a little more. I got rid of the million old T-shirts I was always telling you to throw out but you could never give up. I donated countless jackets and probably 20 pairs of shoes. There were the shoes you wore when you took me to graduation, a bunch of sketchers, and every kind of sports shoe out there. I would get to a dress shirt you wore often or your lulu pants and it would stop me. Frozen in a moment we shared. There was your snow suit, you were always smiling when you had that on. Your wedding suit, never worn, brand new, just waiting for us to tie the knot.
Babes you are not your things but with each thing I put in a pile, I was forced to be with the magnitude of this loss.
I am sorry we will never get dressed in the morning together again. I'm disappointed that the world won't be graced with your presence any longer. I'm sad I'll never get to help you pick what to pack for your endless adventures. I always loved your fashion shows as we put together your outfits for travel. It's so fucked up that I am donating three bags of your things, but you were all about a good cause and let me tell you, there will be some sharp looking homeless men around town.
I may have cleaned out some of your things but YOU are snuggled right into my heart forever.
With all my love Rene.
*yes babes, that was an Eminem reference, just for you ;)