I Can't Tell You What It Really Is. I Can Only Tell You What It Feels Like.


It feels like I am on drugs. I have felt this since the beginning. I have felt an abundance of energy and it feels like it’s trapped. At first it was covered in a numbness so I only noticed a small amount. A hard time sleeping and seemingly no need for sleep as I never felt tired. The moment I found out, I had uncontrollable shaking in my hands. It was like when you wash your hands and shake them to dry. Like that, only I could not stop it.

It has subsided a bit but is not gone. I still have moments where it happens. I can stop it but it requires a huge effort and feels forced. I now have a leg shake that I can't help. You know that leg bounce that some people do and it can be so annoying for everyone around them? Yea, that's now me. I feel so much sensation in my hands, fingertips, and my jaw.

There is no better way for me to explain it; it's like I'm high.

The more intense the situation, the higher the dose. At its highest it feels like speed rushing through my veins, at its lowest it’s like I am coming down from a high. My skin crawls, an odd mix of numb and restless. The celebration of life was a very intense evening. I felt nothing. I stood in the exact same spot for 4 hours, hugging and seeing people. I am honored by those of you that came and wanted to make myself available for anyone that wanted to be with me. Yet I was completely shut down. The dose so high. It has weaned but seems to know when to spike. Yesterday moving your clothing out of our room, the dose so high. My entire body overcome with energy. I can’t deal with it. My hands shake, my fingertips tingle, and I hardly slept last night. A long yoga class, a huge hike with Ollie, and still unchanged.

I am rarely tired although grateful that I can sleep. It's a good way to shut it all off, however falling asleep requires a very specific mix of Netflix till I can't keep my eyes open and my body is able to be still. I wake up often in the night, and have to start it all over again. I still usually wake up for the day at 6:30 like we always did. Well that was sleeping in for us, but my favorite time when I got to choose.

It is crazy how profound our physiology can be altered in a heartbeat, and I am all too aware that what goes up must come down.

I will never be the same, every cell in my body, mind, and soul, forever changed.