Dear Gonzaga University
Fine, take this too… I just quit my Master's program. I thought school was a battle because I was refusing to take on anything resembling moving on, but now I think it's deeper than that. I don't have the mental resources for this right now. Pre accident Chelsea would have been all over this. I would have been reading and enthralled with each new piece of knowledge I took in. But now, reading, and APA, and tests, and papers, and assignment; it's too much. A Master's program is a big undertaking at the best of times. I thought now I have so much space in my life, I’ll dive all in to this. But I didn't account for the fact that it is not free space, it is filled with an all consuming task of healing a massive wound. I have tried to force it to fit, but if I am being honest with myself I am now doing this for all the wrong reasons. I had a dream of being a therapist and want that for myself. I will have it, but now isn't the time. I wondered why the school weekends we're getting harder. The first one was my wedding weekend. In theory that should have been the most difficult for me to attend. Yet they have been getting harder and harder to go to. The workload getting more real and demanding and my lack of desire becoming more apparent. In class tonight we were discussing existentialism and my prof said. The greater your self-awareness the greater the possibilities for freedom. I knew. I am that self aware. I waited for the break and told the class I won't be back. About two years ago I felt the draw to go back to school, found this program and was stoked to get started. Then the accident happened and I didn't know anything. I was and still am walking around like a zombie. Making the best possible decision in the moment. With little left of my paradigme to tether my choices in, I am just doing my best. I want to be a therapist, I want those teachings, I want the credentials. But I know now is not the time. I am kinda busy learning some other things right now.
I wrote this October 17th but couldn’t even look at it again. Left it in the notes on my phone and cried myself to sleep, with Ollie at an Airbnb in Nelson where class was. I was pissed about this, I felt like,’ fine fuck take this too, like I haven't given up enough’. I was so mad. I want to be a therapist and this was my thing, the last thing I was hanging on to of what was going to be my life. Interestingly Rene wasn’t super on board with me going back to school. It took some serious conversations and finally me saying, ‘babes I am doing this, we are two humans doing this thing together and I need this, so get on board’. So he did, and from there on he was stoked for me. But it was going to change our lifestyle, it would take much of my time, it was costly, and he was adamant that I didn't need it. I find it interesting that I tried so hard to make school work and I feel like it was pulled out of my little gripping hands. Babes did you know something I didn’t? He told me I should be a public speaker, and that I didn’t need more school I just needed to teach, to connect with the right people, and to go to Toastmasters, I guess I should do that.
Right after the accident I said I will never teach yoga again, I gave up every contract and was at peace with that. Then teaching came back to me, it feels even more right to be sharing these teachings. There is no way I would be the person I am going through this if it were not for my existing yoga and meditation practice.
A few days ago I was ready to deal with school, so I wrote my letter asking Gonzaga to review my extenuating circumstance for tuition reimbursement. As I wrote the letter describing that two weeks before school started my fiance suddenly passed away and documenting the next month and a half before I withdrew from the program I couldn't really believe that this is my life. It amazes me what we can go through and still get back up again. My goals in life are unrecognizable to what they were. My main goal in life right now; to not have this fuck me up. While it is a very different goal than anything I would have come up with before, it is the loftiest goal I have ever had. I am more open than ever to what I am here to do, if there is a plan for my life I am ready for it, I give up control.