Everywhere and nowhere.


Babes, While for the rest of my life I will celebrate you, I will also mourn my loss of you. I am so proud of you, I beam when I talk about you, and I still smile when I say your name, know I still say it with pride. I know you used to talk about me that way. Your clients would be eager to meet me, often thinking I wasn't real by how great you made me seem and how long it would take to get us all together. But I was real, maybe not as amazing in their eyes as I was through yours, and I loved that that is how you saw me. I  still glow when I tell our crazy love story, and I am deeply grateful to have shared so much of our lives together. I speak about you often, and with so much love. You still light me up, soften my face when I ramble on about your charm, and bring joy to my life. We were elevated by our love, and that will not be lost. But now there is another side. Other teachings you are sharing through me, only these ones are much more demanding of me and you are not here to hold my hand through this part. You must have thought I was ready to go it alone or you wouldn't have left me, I know it. You would not have left me if you knew I wouldn’t be alright. You joked that you would be with me forever whether I liked it or not... Honestly, I am not really sure you were joking. So I trust, and take it all step-by-step. Like you taught me. ‘One thing at a time babe’, you would say. ‘Just break it down to one thing at a time’. Here I am meeting new people and inspiring them with your light. Changing lives through your life, my life, and our life. I am going to yoga where I am falling apart. There is something about deep practices that wring the feelings from my body and they come out in sweat and tears. I am an interesting mix of the weakest I have ever been and the most fierce. I am journaling all hours of the night since I can't sleep, and taking long walks by the ocean.  Taking it all as it comes, just one step at a time. I think of you so often, well it's not even really thinking. The missing is not contained to my mind. The longing for you I feel through my entire being, my body, my soul, my energetic heart; all of me is learning to make peace with this transformation, but the process isn't pretty. You are more with me now than ever before, and yet not with me at all. You are nearer to my heart, and somehow nowhere near. You have become apart of me like never before, I have no words for it, but I know you know. It's as though we are not separated by space and time, like no matter where I am, I'm with you. Yet your loss in the physical realm causes the part of me that knows space and time, and matter, to be devastated. That part was demolished, feels abandoned, and broken. But I nurture it, one step at a time. Our intertwined energy is strong, as though somehow you filled me up, like part of your essence landed in me. Together we still stay, just in this other way. ~ I am loving you