Fuck This

Babes, On days like today I wish I did drugs. I wish I had accepted medication, I wish I knew a guy who knew a guy that could give me something to make this 'better'. On days like today I am begging for anything to make this go away.

I can’t even take it any more. I have, for the most part been able to manage the intensity. Today the management program was a run and two yoga classes but as the evening has gone on, I am overcome with the energy I can’t even describe. It feels like coming down from ecstasy, the awful skin crawling, tearing at me, kinda edginess. I have been sharp all day and it has been days since I have really slept. I feel like a crazy person and I am not using that word lightly.

I can’t tell if the days of sadness or this are worse. When I am in either state I think it is the worst. It is so fucked up, I am not tired but having only slept about 5 hours in the last two nights I am a special kind of irritated.

My doctor told me that I will stay in this high insomniac state until I ‘actually deal with this and stop just coping…’ What the hell does he think I have been doing.

Rene, I don't know how to go there. How the hell do I ‘actually deal’, what the fuck does that even mean. I feel like I have been ripped apart and dealing for 6 bloody months now and it is making me crazy.  I can’t do it anymore, I go back to therapy next week. Maybe that will help. Babes, I can’t even believe that I am going through this crazy fucking thing alone. I have a lot of very precious friends but I am not like that. I will not sit with them and cry, just like I can’t be sick in front of people I can’t cry with them, I physically can't do it. You were my person, the only person i felt really safe with. So I try to do this all alone, no one to hold me, rub my back or kiss my forehead. You were my person, and I fucking cannot do this without you. It is not like I am not 'actually dealing with it' on purpose. I don’t know how to be any other way, but this way sure as hell is not working.

Help me, Rene please help me. I really really need you. I really need your help. Babes, I am stuck here. Please love, help me heal. I can’t live like this.

I miss you so much, sweetie come on, please get me through this.

I am loving you.