How You Play With the World.
Well, today I got hit on, happy birthday to me... Haha, basically a miracle now that I am old. I saw so clearly after the accident that the world around me changed. The way people treated me changed, the way strangers interacted with me was night and day. I knew it was me. It was 100% me, there was no doubt. I didn't have the ability to interact in any ‘normal’ way and so kept to myself. I couldn't match their energy, I couldn't manage small talk, I felt so vulnerable, so raw. I wore hats a lot, sunglasses, kept my head down and tried not to make eye contact. And in return, to the world I was invisible. That was the way it had to be for me. At the time, it was all I could handle. It would take me so long to run a simple errand, to order a coffee, or have a casual conversation with someone I didn't know. But slowly I have thawed. I can see that I am different, different even from who I was before the accident, but surely different from who I was only a short while ago. I am smiling again at strangers, I look people in the eyes and I laugh. I am open to them connecting with me, I am willing to be seen and in that, I have seen the sweetness in people again.
The secret is this; the world is our mirror. We see in others what is in us. So, if it feels like people are constantly treating you a certain way, it is probable because that is how you are treating the world. If it is not how you wish to have people treat you, take a good long look at how you are behaving, your stuff, what you are bringing to the interactions. Being clear on the way you show up in the world will not guarantee you a life without pain. Of course not, somethings are beyond our control. But within that, we choose how we play the cards we are dealt.
So, when I was standing in line today and he was flirting with me I laughed. Not cause he was particularly funny but because I recognized a piece of me in him that I haven't seen in a long time. That piece that was willing to dance in the unknown. I saw a lust for life in his eyes that he must have seen in mine. He reflected back my appetite for adventure, and seeing that brought me peace. I knew it was going nowhere, but for just a moment I loved him; his joie de vivre, his mischievous smile, and infectious laugh. I didn't give him my number, I still wear my rings and a glance at them with a little knowing smile was all I needed to leave his heart full and ego in tact. He might feel like he struck out but he has no idea what he gave to me in that moment. The measure of how far I have come. From drying my tears and hoping desperately that no one would talk to me, to being open to flirting with life again.
The thing is it's all apart of it. I could only see so much beauty in him because I have seen so much pain in me. I will live bigger, love freer, connect more honestly, all because of my willingness to explore my dark side. By genuinely giving my attention to my hurt I have been given profound access to joy, and that makes it worth it.
You will fall, we all do. It's in how you get back up. I am grateful to have so many people sharing their love with me. Mirroring to me the person I will be again. I will show up so completely, so fully because of you all. From time-to-time I forget that, I retreat in fear but today was the perfect reminder that what goes around comes around. The love everyone has shown me came through me and was witnessed by another, so much so they felt safe enough to connect with me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, thank you for filling me up when I had nothing to give you.
I am happy to say, parts of me are coming back to life. Like the beat of a heart, I expand and then contract. This pulse connects me to the world and the healing of all the hearts around me.
Never underestimate your power to change someone's day. With all my love, play nice.