Remember when we talked about taking the winter to heal? Did you do it? Did you really do it? Did you hibernate, rest, and mend? Or did you fight it? Did you go to too many Christmas parties and stay up too late in defiance? Why do we think we are exempt to the natural order of things? I believe in the rhythms of nature, we are not separate or apart from it. We are intimately connected, we are a part of it; how arrogant to think we can skirt its’ power. I believe we are better served by playing with Mother Nature, seeing her patterns and intertwining our ways with hers. If you were able to be in solitude, quiet, alone, maybe even lonely, if you really did it, you now have a reserve of energy. Just like all of nature you have a potential energy begging to be used up. Just waiting deep in your bones for this time, this moment of emergence. Spring is here and it is time to come alive.
I can feel it happening. This pull to life, not just getting through it but getting into it. I can feel a rebirth happening. I made a deal with myself, I would take all of winter to grieve, to retreat, to hibernate, and heal the wound; hoping I would re emerge ‘myself’ in the spring. At the time I had no idea what the months ahead had in store for me, I could not have known what kind of pain I would live through during the winter. However, now spring is here and I can feel myself hatching.
It is in no way a sweet process. We romanticize birth, but I have seen it up close twice and let me tell you, it is ruthless. It is uncomfortable, painful, scary, it is primitive, and in my opinion even disgusting. But then just like that; it is magical, precious, innocent, and so full of possibilities.
The process and the outcome a juxtaposition. That has been my reality. My process has been heavy, cruel, and has felt like a burden, but as I am thawing and coming back to life, it is sacred, hopeful, and bursting with potential. I am coming out of hibernation and am eager to meet myself. I have no idea who I am. The death of Rene caused changes in me so profound very little of who I used to be remains. With all the love we give a newborn I will love myself back to a vibrancy.
We are all re-emerging. Truthfully none of us are the same as were were 6 months ago. For me so much has changed I feel insecure, like a little Bambie taking her first steps. But if I can get out of my own way this could be a special process, a place of self discovery, of new beginnings.
I will continue healing with the seasons. Timidly shaking off the winter, feeling the flirt of life that spring offers. As the sun touches my skin, it melts my heart. The higher vibration of this time of year courses through me and strengthens my pulse, nudging me awake.
I did it, I really leaned into the solitude, the pain, and the darkness over the winter. While I know there is still more healing to come I can feel the draw to emerge anew. It is spring, and everything in nature has rested and is ready to come alive. I took this to heart and now I will step into this new place, this rebirth. Understanding that it will still be uncomfortable for me as I take baby steps on shaky legs. As I continue to breakthrough the layers of pain like a flower bursting through the dirt there will be moments of struggle, but there is a natural tug in every living thing to grow towards the light. I will follow the lead of all that is around me, and reach for the sky. You with me?