A Heartbreak Like A First Heartbreak.



There is an ache in my heart. An ache so deep, I miss you so much. It's like most of the time I am living this entirely different life and it's good. But then it hits me how fucked up it is. It hits me that you are gone. You know how crazy that is? It is incomprehensible, leaving me confused and hurting.

Today I was working on a retreat poster and was going through all my retreat images. You are in so many, do I use them? Do I not? You were at everything, for me, you were a willing model and my biggest cheerleader. I saw the photos of you at Predator Ridge that we did just last spring and started crying in the coffee shop where I was working. That's no big deal for me, I'm used to it by now, plus I am a discrete crier, just tears no big scene.

Fuck, babes, I was all in. We were all in. We had hurt each other before, we had broke up and broke each other down. We had hurt one another but then, then we got our shit together. We were meant to be, we tried so hard to let it go. We let us go so many times, we tried to move on, but as if there were a force bigger than us we were pulled together over and over again. Then we both got on board at the same time, we put all of ourselves into one another. No holding back, like a first love. You were my first real love and my first real heartbreak; and did it ever break. As only the first can, 'cause I didn’t know to hold back, I was so innocent and pure, there were no parts jaded by pain or bullshit. We were all passion, heart in my hand I gave it all to you,  and the first time we broke up, I was crushed. That was a long time ago but this is kinda like that. Both times I gave my all, so the first time my heart was broken I was left in a kind of pain I had never known possible, here I am again… A kind of pain I never knew possible.

Will I ever love like I loved you again? Knowing this, will I ever love like that? Babes, I would be breaking the cardinal break up rule right now and calling you. I would call you and tell you I am sorry, and that I would do whatever it takes to make it better, to have you back. I would give anything. But this isn’t something I can’t fix, there are no more chances.

I don’t get it, we finally figured it out. Guaranteed we would still have hurt one another, still fucked up, still had fights, and probably even from time-to-time thought of bailing on us, but… We won’t get the chance.

God, I miss you. I miss all of you, all your amazingness and all your shittiness. I want you back, I want you back so bad. I would beg, and we both know that is not my style, but right now I would do pretty much anything to have you back.

I don’t know who I am without you. My heart is hurting and nothing can make it better. You would, even if we ended it, you would hold me. You would be there for me till I was strong enough to be on my own. Even when we were apart we were always together, if we needed each other we were there. You called me and wrote me from Europe and I called you from all my travels, technically we were single but the hold on one another's heart kept us connected. I called you when my Dad got sick and I picked my outfit for Kara’s wedding with the sole hopes that you would wish you never let me go, and it worked! I knew and you knew that we would always be together, in some way we would work it out.

Fuck. We didn’t know this was possible. This was never on the table. This kind of it is over, this was never an option.