Kissing on the Dance Floor.
Babes, I am writing you from Vancouver, as always I am up early so went for a walk by myself. Well, I'm never really by myself right, I will always have you? I am still going through many of the first without you by my side. They feel different now, some are still gutting but some are more of a quiet knowing. A tug on my heart that no one else can see but I recognize. Firsts are happening all the time, I look for them to give them the credit they deserve as I move through. In the beginning they ripped me apart, assault after assault. Like sleeping in a bed by myself, it took months to be in an actual bed. Learning to grocery shop and cook just for me, still working on that. Or seeing your truck around town. But now some of the firsts are softer, more full of love.
This little get away has had many. I would be texting you, calling you, filling you in on the fun and hearing about life at home. Tina has obviously kept in touch with her man and it’s so sweet. He’s texted little funnies and what he's up to, and she the same. We would be doing that also. There are reminders of us together even here, like when we came with Darcy, or the surprise trip you brought me on when we were only 17, but the biggest reminders are the reminders that I see in others.
Last night we went dancing, it was exactly what I've been needing, but as I saw the sweet couples dancing together, in them I saw us. Tina pointed out a young couple making out on the dance floor and I smiled, a soft smile because we were that fucking cute, and those memories precious, but there was also an ache in me; memories will never be so pure, they are now much more complex.
Last night, a friend of a friend asked, ‘so how you been?’ I don't know if he even knew about your death, but there in the bar talking louder than the music, I said, 'fine, I've been OK'. That's a first, up 'till now I have tripped over that question and usually don’t even answer, I just change the subject. Not being good at lying that question has slapped me in the face every time, I never know what to say. But there for the first time since your death I smiled, said I have been fine, and we moved on. My head and heart knowing my pain, I let it pass with a deep breath. Just in time for some random talking over the DJ to ask, ‘so you're single?’
I couldn't tell if it was the base taking my breath away or the question.
Just a simple, ‘yes’
I let the moment have me for a second, sending you so much love. While the simplest truth is I am single, the truth is never so simple.
It's odd, what seems like normal conversation is still for me often anything but. I look and seem like just an average girl, living an average life, but I can feel torn up by so many average moments. I know everyone has a story, everyone has experiences that shape them that we on the outside can't see. With each new first I am being sculpted. I will stumble less and less every time I encounter something similar. That's why I believe going through these firsts are so important, they can be devastating but if I stop doing things because they are challenging for me my worlds will get smaller and smaller.
While the firsts can feel like a bullet to my chest, I take them. Yes, I am single. No story, no caveat, no explanation, just me standing in the middle of a dance floor speaking the truth, feeling every part of me wanting to change it. That's the thing, my real life isn't a reality I can fully comprehend, and it takes all these firsts for me to believe that this is my life, but as I have said before it is still beautiful. I vow not to miss it because I am wishing it were the life we were creating. The more I can stay close to the experiences I am having the more alive I am. That babes, is the best way I know how to honor you, the greatest man I have ever had the privilege of kissing on the dance floor.
~ I hope you are having fun,
Till we meet again, I am loving you.