I could have missed the pain, but ...


Babes, It’s been a while since I have written you, I can't seem to find the words. As I am trying so hard to keep my life together it is like I have to compartmentalize your death, it is the only way right now. Trying to move on and live the life I have, not the life I thought I would be living. I have never worked so hard for something that looks like nothing, I have never worked so hard to simply get through the days in a meaningful way. I have never worked so hard to be happy.

Holidays are the worst, all this pressure to be having good times. Babes, I cannot get passed that you are not here. My whole being searches for you. I think about all the Canada days past and all the summer fun we have had. I know it helps when I can be grateful for all that we had but honestly sometimes, and I hate myself for saying it, but sometimes I wish we hadn't had all the times. All those moments for me to fall in love with you. All the memories that sometimes offer me comfort but sometimes rip me apart. 

I was in a store the other day and this song came on, The Dance. I could have missed the pain but i’d of had to miss the dance… Babes, I don’t know. I said at your celebration of life I still believe it’s better to have loved and lost than never loved at all. Of course when I really sit with it I know that to be true. I know how fortunate I am to have been able to love you, to dance the dance with you. But times like this, the hurt so deep,  I forget how grateful I am to have had you, and I find myself wishing it all away. I find myself so fucking mad it over shadows all the good. The sweetness turns to bitter and takes up residence in my body.

I have been getting these intense headaches and my back and neck ache almost constantly. You would massage my shoulders at night, tension there is not new for me. Only now it is more vicious and I have nobody to love it out.

I miss that, I miss your touch. Your touch, that simple thing that used to make me feel safe, make me feel like I could just let go of it all. I don’t have that anymore. The energy of a man, that kind of hug that melts away the weight of the world. But I won’t lean on another, because inevitably one of us will get confused. Them, ‘cause they can’t possibly understand just how fucked up I really am. Or me, because when the hurt is so heavy it takes a lot to go it alone, so to avoid the mess I keep a distance.

Ollie misses a guy's energy as well. I could feel it in me, but I see it so clearly in her. She is so honest about it. When we are around guys she is eager to get their attention. She is excited and wants them to play. You used to play rough with her, I can’t play like that, that way only a big guy can. It makes me sad, she used to have you and all your buddies. Now she has only me and mostly girls. I do my best babes, for her and myself.

I know that I am still fortunate and that I have so many privileges most would risk their lives for and yet, here I am so fucking pissed.  I try to keep it in perspective and count my blessings everyday, but I often feel like I want to punch something and scream at the top of my lungs. If only that would make it better.

Wearing on me it is. The sun, the fun, all the opportunities to play outside. They used to bring me such joy, but now only seem to highlight my sorrow. I find myself wondering if I will ever love again, love like I did you? Love for real? Or, will the knowing that I have in my cells stay with me, getting in between me and life forever? Now that I know how it ends, will I change it all, will I miss future pain by missing the current dance? Or will I over time forget just how brutal this is, forget enough to do it all again?

Tonight I will go out, I will force myself to shower, get dressed, I will have a drink for you, and I will do my Goddamn best to live this life fully. When I feel like I want to check out, I remind myself that you didn’t choose this, that you would be here if you could and in that I borrow your strength 'till I can find my own.

Rene, my love, Happy Canada Day.

You are missed dearly, today and every day I am loving you.  https://youtu.be/62_qnCAqn-U