I Thought I Was so Independent.
I thought I was so independent. I could handle a life on my own, I honestly believed we were two complete people choosing to do this thing together. And now sitting here going through your things I am not so sure. I have never felt this scared. You were my person, the one I told my fears to and you would always make them OK. You made me feel safe and now I'm here devastated and full of fear for a life without you.
As I start to explore your stuff left all around the house, I am starting to feel it. Today I picked up your belongings from the police station. I wanted to just add it to the other things I ignore all together, but instead opened your dry bag. In my gut disgust, waves of nausea come frequently, and I am overwhelmed by fear.
You hated when I said I was overwhelmed and would always get me to break it into tasks. Then tell me to ask you for your help with any of the tasks that seemed like too much.
Babes it feels like it's too much. All of the tasks. Moving your things off our bed, out of the closet, making food just for me, hell going to bed alone is feeling like too much.
I would make a list of it all, but you won't be here to help me. That's the biggest thing on the list, you aren't here. I have so many sweet people to help but I need you.
I see you all the time, I can hear your voice, often it is like you are with me and mostly that feels comforting, but tonight as I sit in our room surrounded by all your belongings I feel alone. More alone than I ever thought possible. More vulnerable and terrified than I think I have yet. You are really not coming back for the pile of change on your dresser, or going to use those Scandia tokens, or need that fake student ID you used for years after you graduated.
I really have no idea how to do this without you. 11 years babes, you worked yourself into every part of me and now slowly I am forced to pull it apart and it stings.
I never thanked you enough for all that you did for me. For all you took care of, for how safe you made it for me. You always joked that you provided for me, well it wasn’t really a joke. We both knew you did, but you’d say it when I was making you dinner or lunch for the next day and it would grind my nerves, but you did take care of me.
Thank you for taking care of me so well. So well that now I am lost.