Maybe I Didn't Love Him.


As I have been going through this like I have said I have not felt much. I had actually convinced myself that I must not have really loved him. I saw everyone else so sad and me? Sad, but sad like he's out of town not even sad like we broke up, deep deep down I thought I must not have loved him. A thought so terrible. I quietly thought maybe I didn't want this life, maybe I didn't want him. Maybe that why this doesn't feel like the tragedy everyone is calling it. I didn't understand how I was doing so much and feeling so little. I couldn't even speak it to anyone; what if I'm fine with this? I thought maybe it's just OK for me. Hahaha the bliss of ignorance, the mind so intricate.

I see now of course none of that is true. The reality for me just too much. Too sudden. Too shocking. No process or time to say goodbye. No going through it together like if he'd been sick. Just a lovely good morning kiss have fun see you tomorrow kind of good bye; I am still just waiting for tomorrow. For him to come in and say, 'babe let me tell you all about my trip!'

So to even be able to process reality I needed time, a cushion between me and it. I didn’t know about this though so I quietly questioned myself, was anything we had real if I don't feel much about this? Did I really love him or was it just an act? Were we as happy as I thought? How can I be like this if what we had was what I thought it was? I knew it was crazy so crazy I couldn't even put it into words. If it were true how horrifying, and if not I sound delusional.

Now moving into another phase I am in limbo. Part of me fairly sure that I can just pretend my life with Rene never happened and move on with now. I know, and you know that's not possible but I really feel that way. Another part, seeing dad's drop their kids off at the bus today being flooded with tears and sadness that I won't see him do that. He would have been to greatest Dad, the only reason I even wanted kids was because of him. The only reason I entertained marriage was to be HIS wife. Marriage itself not for me, being Rene's wife that was for me. He is the reason for so much in my life.

Someone who lost her husband said the pain is as deep as the highs you felt together. Well that's pretty much the worst new. Honest but awful. My doctor said it's like an abscess that needs to be cut open, and drained out to heal. Graphic and to the point.

This ‘surgery’ will take years, I will be cutting into parts of my soul, my entire being. Learning what a life could look like for me without him by my side. Do you have an emotional wound you need to get into? Believe me, I know what I am asking of you and I do not take it lightly. I am asking it of myself, to get in there and feel it. Horrifying, I see why people push it down, distract, and numb. I am however resolved to make something of this, to give it purpose not just survive it, and for that I must tear myself apart, let it all out, and encourage myself to heal. I hear people say, time will heal it, but I disagree. I believe I have to choose to heal from this. I have to force myself to go there, to do the work. And I mean force, literally to go towards the pain, not on track with our seek pleasure avoid pain nature. Time on its own, not a tool for healing. It will just move me further away for the epicenter of the disaster, but will not clean up the debris.

Let’s do this.

~with love