It's So Hard to Understand.


Babes, I can't seem to understand what has happened. The processing of this so vast, the depth and width of change is all encompassing, everything in my life altered in a IMG_0877moment. I just heard on the radio that Big White is opening tomorrow. I was sad thinking of you getting all your gear together and telling me all about how stoked you are for first tracks. I wanted to call you and talk all about how happy I am for you that it is that time of year. I was devastated that I couldn't call you, like really, this is really happening? But then I remembered you were still supposed to be in Japan. You wouldn't be hitting up Big White anyways. It is hard for me to wrap my head around this. You wouldn't have been here for the last two weeks and I would be missing you dearly but you'd be coming back and that changes everything. I see your snowboard in the garage, your boots and goggles in our closet and have the eerie knowing that they will never move, you won’t be grabbing them and packing up the truck for a great day at the hill.

This is such a profound experience, it has called all I ever thought I knew into question. I am still confused by it. It is hard to understand, it is so jarring I am not sure I can fully take it in.

I wonder what is after this life. I wonder about you. If you are Ok. I wonder if you can feel me in anyway.  I wonder if your energy is near me. The sudden nature and profoundness of this makes it so confusing. It's like the thread of you being ripped out of the tapestry of my life leaves all the other threads scattered.

So I try to make sense of it and in so doing pick up the threads that still make sense to use. Many must be left behind, but some will be the foundation of my new canvas.

For now, I see your stuff or hear of things you love and think of you, and us. Like you waking me up at 5:30am because you are going to Big White. Usually you were stealth and snuck out, but sometimes you’d wake me up just to share in your excitement. The reality is even if you were Here you wouldn't be here. You would be in Japan. So I try to reconcile that. That the future wouldn't be what I am making up anyway. Yet the emptiness left in my heart, soul, and life is so big it scares me. I still wonder if there is anyway you could just come back.

I'll go up to Big White this year for you. I'll even go really early and maybe with Craig and Dagan, but if they are late... I'll take your lead and just go without them.

I love you babes. I am missing you. I am sending you all my love.