Like It Mattered.

Babes Last night was the first time since the accident that I have worn makeup. It's the first time since the celebration of life that I picked out my outfit like it mattered. I bought a special dress for the celebration of life but I didn't want to, it was beautiful but I didn’t want it. I cared so much about that whole evening being how you'd want, I got a dress you would have loved, but it was a dreadful thing. Last night was different. There was a small part of me that felt like me. As I showered, did my makeup, and put on a dress, a small part of me felt like I was ‘normal’. I looked at my face with makeup and remembered that part of me. Up until now I couldn't even consider it, but yesterday Jessica was over to get ready and it felt like time for me. I used to love playing with makeup but haven't even opened the drawer till last night.

It was Sarah's Dad’s 60th birthday party. It was nice, I still love love and it was nice to see everyone celebrate Ron. It was precious to see all the couples enjoying themselves. I kept thinking of us. I thought we would be that. That old couple dancing poorly on the dance floor, having the time of our lives. There was a couple two stepping and they reminded me about our dance lessons. How you got it right away and I, well did not. We were going to take lessons for the wedding, it probably wouldn't have helped me but we would have had fun.

There was wine, and snacks, the evening was good. Possibly the first evening out at an event where I was more happy than sad. At other events up until now other’s happiness was overwhelming for me. But last night 12 weeks minus a day since the accident, I fit in. Well between you and me, my dress was a little short on material compared to everyone else's attire, so  I'm not sure I completely fit in... Anyway, it was sort of skewed in my favor since it was the parents party, we were more watching the party than partying, making it easier on me. Plus the 4 glasses of wine may have softened the pain.

I haven't been drinking at all lately. I didn't want drinking to be a coping mechanism so I stopped having anything more than 1 glass of wine. The right decision, but sometimes hard to do. Last night Jessica was driving, and I felt like I was not drinking to escape but just to enjoy. That was a first as well.

I am relearning who I am, what I like. Everything is different, untethered, and new. But my best friends are home and their love so strong it breathes life into me. Love you babes.