Just a Glimpse

I have had some people write me worried I am suicidal, and I can see why. If you only read my writings I can see how you would worry about that. And you are not far off. Often when I write, I am so in this dark pain, but what you don't see are all the other moments. The real life. How well do we really know anyone? Like really know; know their real life? Behind closed doors, no fronts, no facade? The parts not posted or even shared face-to-face with most; the full picture? It is a privilege to be so close, and in my opinion proximity is the only way to know that part of someone. To be so close, that you get to see their laughter and tears, struggles and joy. Only those near can ever get close to the complete picture.

If we are really fortunate we have a few who see all the sides, but most only get a glimpse. Most only ever see parts of us. Co-workers show only certain sides of themselves to other co-workers. Parents have it all together at play dates, but only the closest see the meltdowns before bedtime. With many friends there are subject we avoid or times we bite our tongue, because showing any and all of our sides; that kind of vulnerability is reserved for those on the inside.

I am no exception. I too have all these sides and layers and inside jokes; an entire real life. See, no matter how much I share it will only ever be a sliver of myself, of who I really am. I am not being deceitful or hiding anything. It’s just that writing for me is like an outer body experience. It flows through me when it comes and what ends up in black and white seems in a way beyond my control. What you get is a very narrow view of my life. Just like for everyone, the further away you are from them the smaller your glimpse. There is much of my life you don’t see.

You don't see all the joy. You don't get to hug me when you see me in class, or out for dinner and feel that I am well. You don't see me playing with my dog in the backyard, or laughing over wine and appies that go on for hours with my best girl friends. You don't know about the richness of my precious family and how my nieces fill my heart with their silliness every time I am with them. You don’t know about the random adventures I get into, all the jokes about me finding a hookup, getting back into the dating game, or making a tinder profile. You may not see the spark in my eyes when I teach a yoga class, or the high I feel when I host a retreat or a big event.

In those moments, no writing comes to me.  Given what I share it might seem surprising, but I am really private and like much of my life to be just that, mine. So, you don't see it all, but it's there. It's all there. My lows are low, and somehow writing seems to clear that which otherwise would be stuck in me. I don't choose when to write, it just bubbles up and the need to let it spill out is so strong. However, for me, in the best moments I have no desire to pause. There isn't a drive to write, there is just life.

So, know that I have happiness. Know that there are peaceful days, and a lot of great moments. That more than ever I am all in with the ones I love, and I am fortunate to have many. What we see is a glimpse. Sometimes we get more details and other times all we get are the border sweeping strokes. We're all dynamic, everyone has soul aching pain, and cheek aching  laughter.

From most we will never get the entire picture, but if you have those that let you be in their inside circle and you let them into yours; well that is the most precious gift of all.

Letting you into mine just a little more, With love.