home sweet home


Babes, Salt to the wound, it stings over and over and over. I feel like I can't take it anymore, one things after another it hardly seems like I get to regain my strength before the next blow. As I look for a place to live I know it is the right thing. Our home while comfortable for me is also heavy. Once a sanctuary, once the one safe place where I could retreat from the world and hide away with you, now I will never feel settled here again. So the only thing to do is move out. In good moments the idea of a new place is exciting, normal even. But then the reality hits and it fucking sucks.

I just left a wonderful possible rental, and found myself hoping it works out. That they will bend on the no dog rule, ‘cause it seems perfect for us. But as I started driving home it all came crashing down.

How? How am I looking for a place for just me and Ollie? In what world is this possible? You were so strong and healthy and fit and you were supposed to outlive me. I was the sick one; your little lemon.

I am disgusted. It is the fucking worst. I don't want to. I don't want to move, but I can't stay any longer. When they say time moves you on they aren't kidding. There is no good way. There is no good way, ‘cause this is too fucked up for there to be a way that makes sense.

Moving? Just me, a place for one. No. No. No. No, fuck. No

Nothing makes sense. My heart throbs and I am so full hurt and frustration, I don't know how to get it out. I honestly feel like I don't have it in me anymore, but I have thought that so many times over and somehow have kept going.

But, how do I do this?

Sometimes I get so frustrated with how much my body has been hurting, and how tired I am. But right now I am actually amazed that it is still doing its thing. There are these extremes. Some days good. Some moments great, and others worse than I could have ever imagined any hurt.

Nothing make sense. All I know is that I am packing up my stuff, and that sucks. But looking after the last of yours has literally made me sick. So I leave it.  I will have to do it in the next month. Along with all the other surreal messed up things. You would think I would be numb to it, and I think sometimes I am, but tonight I wish I was more so.

I am not expecting miracles with the move. In fact I am sure it will be more lonely at first. It's so lonely. I miss you like crazy.

Rene, my love, if home is where the heart is, my home is with you.