I think I laugh more now than ever before. I'm not sure about more often but for sure more fully. It's sad when I think about it cause I wish I could have been like this with you. You were like this, this new way for me is you. You laughed so much, your humor wicked and sharp, and O so intelligent. Your light approach to life infectious. You knew that life was short. You got it, and you graciously passed it on to me. I now get it too, this life is precious and each moment what we make of it. So I feel it all and often what I feel is joy, love, and the humor that is all around. I laugh a lot and I smile big. I am able to stay disciplined and focused but no longer take life too seriously. There is no fight or day-to-day grind. I am so fucking thankful to have this breath I will not waste it. So sometimes I cry, most of the time I miss you, but all the time I feel your love, your teachings, the blessing it is that I had a life with you. Sometimes I still reach for your hand, a lot of the time I talk to you or send you my love, and I often ask you to stay close. I wonder if you can feel that. I feel everything more deeply. I have experienced a level of feeling I never knew possible. I now know, so my ability to feel will forever remain heightened. This is sharply contrasted by a numbing that I also never knew possible. Like I am sedated, a separation between me and what is happening. The polarity of feelings; sometimes painful but sometimes joyous, alive, and when things are funny, my laughter even more wholehearted than ever before.
Know when I smile and laugh it is infused with love for you. I feel like it is infused with love from you. I hope you feel proud for the way you have and are shaping me. For what you left me with and how you and I together will impact the world, mine and yours.
I'm Loving you babes.