Let's Just Fight it Out.
Babes, I hate myself for even saying this, I know you would give anything for another day but I don’t want to do this anymore. I don't wish to be ungrateful for my time here, still I don’t feel like I have it in me. I am tired. I am weak and sad and to be honest babes, I don’t have much of a fight left in me. I’m not sure what it's all for. What am I doing here? I try to find purpose in my work but it doesn't seem like enough. That was always a far second to us, to our family, and our life. Without you I am not me.
I'm being a good puppy Mom but that is about it, hell I might even be sucking at that but she stays by my side. I am exhausted and there never seems to be a break. There are few moments where I am not aware that you are gone, where it doesn’t hurt. There are so few moments where I feel like myself. I don't know babes. I had never witnessed pain like this. It is invisible and yet so real. I am doing my best but feel like I am failing and I am not even sure I have it in me to get through this. I don’t want to fight for a life anymore.
Sometimes when I feel really bad I try to think of all the shitty things about us. Like somehow I can talk myself into being OK with this. It only makes me miss the human you were, as human as the rest of us.
I miss our fights. Words I never thought I'd say. But babes, what I wouldn't do to go another round with you. You were far more comfortable on the battlefield than I. You would say, ‘toughen up’, irritating the hell out of me. O if you could see me now. Now I know the meaning of though, I have been hardened, I literally grit my teeth and bear the pain. I think you'd be sad to see this girl, you'd say toughen up but I know you loved that I wasn't tough like you. That I felt and asked that of you.
I miss the growing pains of two strong individuals blending their lives. I miss your stubborn nature, your wicked wit, sharp tongue, and your need to be right. ‘I'm sorrys’ were few and far between and, ‘I was wrong’ was illusive to you. I crave your sarcastic remarks and would even take those painful moments when I felt like you didn't get me. When you would ignore me, or choose substance over me. I even miss being frustrated with you. I miss wondering if I have what it takes to give myself so fully to another. You know that awful kind of hurt that comes from feeling so alone next to the person you love? It’s got nothing on this.
Of course I loved the love we shared but I even look back fondly on the battles. We were getting so good at the dance. The give and the take. You were skilled at getting me to open up, the only person I ever let in completely. No matter how distant I felt from you, deep down I knew all I had to do was ask for a hug and it would all fall away. Come to you with my heart in my hands and you would melt. As much of an ass as you could be, and babes we both know you could be, you loved me so much. We were perfectly matched in our imperfections. Calling each other out, making each other better, we could be ruthless. Sometimes out of stubbornness we would stay in the dark for days, yet we both knew one tender touch could clear the pain. Sometimes we just needed to be pissed, or the space to feel our differences, to be our own people.
It would eat at me. You sound asleep next to me while I tossed and turned. Haha how you could just sleep when we were in a fight I'll never know. You know I would give up a lifetime of restful nights for one more fight with you. For one more chance to make up. For one more night you by my side, to kiss your lips, to hold you hands in mine, to feel your arms around me, to run my fingers through your hair, or to smell you as I nuzzle my face in your neck. To feel the energy in our touch and the pressure of your body against mine. I wish I could hold your face in my hands as you smile at me, I miss the light in our eyes and the strength in your presence.
Who knew one could miss the shadow side of someone so much? Thank you for feeling safe enough with me to show me that. To let me in so fully and allow me to see you, demons and all.
We were no saints, but you were a beautiful man.
Babes. You were a fighter. You fought; to get me, to keep me, you fought with me, but mostly you fought for me, for us.
With all my heart I love you.