What does Marriage mean if Divorce exists? From a Bride to Be
I have always had a hang up on the idea of marriage. If divorce exists what does marriage really mean? I couldn't grasp how people would make a promise to be with one person for the rest of their life and then be stuck in that. So our solution, when the marriage situation is no longer working, move on. Ok but why not just live with someone either forever or until that day you choose to part, why the marriage if you know the possibility of divorced exists? We actually say till death do us part but what we are really saying is: I will love you till I don't, we will make this work till we won't. Many brides blissfully carry on these wedding traditions never asking how am I going to make this relationship work for the rest of my life. Too busy stressing about the dress, the seating arrangements, and flowers they "forget" they are creating a future that they will have to work hard to maintain. Never getting real enough to see where the cracks are as that would require the fantasy end and the real vulnerability to begin, so many would rather the charade of perfection then the mess of real life. We came into this world alone and that is how we will go out, so you better get to know yourself - my yoga teacher Nicki Doane would say that to us in class. I think it is the hot tip to living by choice and why I am getting married with all my reservations about marriage, I know myself and know what I want.
What if I told you you can have whatever life you want but it requires you getting very clear on what matters most to you, what is it that you above all else want, then live and love accordingly. For me what matters most? Me and my man, the family we are creating and the detail in the relationship we have. It really does and as long as I don't forget that my marriage has a fighting chance. Over the years we have forgotten and seen how very quickly the spark fades. I see it all the time, both people of a couple are amazing and in the eyes of another would be a catch but in the eyes of their spouse that person is holding them back. NOT true, YOU are holding you back, and your refusal to make your spouse feel seen is holding you both back. This life can get busy and crazy and stressful if we choose that, and then once we choose that we think it wasn't a choice it just happened, it didn't but that another blog. Then you say that your spouse is not the person you married. Well 20 years from now no one is the one they are now but if you have chosen to nurture that relationship you will see how fucking great that person is. If however you have let stories and unsaid feelings and space creep in it will take a lot of cleaning up to get back to seeing how fucking great that person is and for most it seems simpler to jump ship.
Maybe, but than what was the point of that promise?
I am getting married, and I believe it is my real world view of life and marriage; that it is going to take choosing my man and my marriage over and over and over even when and especially when it would appear easier to walk away, that will give this union stamina for a life time.
Love your loved ones, what else is there. Clear the clutter, simplify your life and spend time seeing each other.
With love
When you find someone that adores you with their whole heart, like you adore them, jump all in.
We live in a choice society and are sold the notion that the better version is on its way. With all this choice you'd think we would be happier but in fact that is not the case, we are stuck in indecision, overwhelmed by options, and afraid of losing out.
Once you find your love commit to that relationship as if there were no other options. There won't be a better version because in every model there will be issues but instead of throwing it out guess what... You can work them out. I would never say settle or stay if you are unhappy but don't be in a rush to replace, if in your heart you know they are your love. -Chelsea Ray