Little Did I know
Little did I know as we were busily trying to finish our house renovations and organize wedding details that he wasn't going to make it to the wedding; he wasn't even going to make it to the end of August. Five years ago, at this time, I still didn't know. I didn't know that one morning I would kiss my love goodbye in the morning and never see him alive again.
We had so many plans. Set to marry September 12th. He was in full swing at work, and we were almost done renovating the house that we had been working on for years. It had been a wonderful summer! To be honest, I had been scared of him dying over the years. We'd been together since high school, and he had made some questionable choices when we were young. He was adventurous, and consequence was a late consideration. But we had grown up. We were through those years. I thought we had made it.
Blissfully unaware five years ago, I was in a beautiful place. We were in a beautiful place. We'd been through so much. Grown apart and back together over and over. We'd been the one to hurt each other the most. We'd also been the one to understand and love each other the most. We'd made many mistakes, loving since middle school we had made juvenile choices. And yet, our paths kept bringing us together. We knew how special that was, and a few years before had unequivocally chosen each other.
We were in a lovely place. Building a real-life together. He growing his business, and I was set to start my master's degree. We had precious Ollie, the world's best dog, and it felt like we'd finally found our flow.
What a gift that was. We'd found peace in our relationship. I have forever been grateful for that. While living what we thought was the early stages of our life together, we'd found a harmony. We were in one of the best seasons of our lives. We had no idea that none of our future dreams would come to fruition. That in two weeks, his life would be over, and mine would never be the same.
It's odd to think back to this time five years ago. Before it all changed. It has always seemed as though in a way we lived that last year as if we knew it was more important. Like our souls were being prepared for the shift while our minds were busy making future plans. About a year before his death, we had made some significant changes. We had done some deep work on ourselves and our relationship. He clarified his priorities and was living a more present life. We both were. And that gave us this very precious time together. While we had no reason to contemplate that we were getting close to the end, looking back, there was a completeness to our time. Nothing left unsaid, nothing standing between us. It's as though some part of us was making plans for his departure while the rest of us whirled around, making plans for a future that would never come. I had stood for us slowing down and prioritizing each other. He liked to say, 'we have our whole lives' as an excuse to put energy into things we didn't really care about. Am I ever glad I called bullshit on that. While we did have his whole life, I know 29 years was not what he had been thinking. So we made changes, we were more aligned than we had been, and we lived differently from then on. We loved differently, and when he didn't come home alive, and all I was left with were memories, I was filled with gratitude for how we lived that last year. It was as if somehow we knew it was all ending, yet at this time, five years ago we were clueless of what was to come.
