NO, NO, NO, no no no no no

I knew what they were going to say to me when I found out and I just kept screaming, No, No, No, No, No no no no no no. No.

Tonight I just worked a full shift at the restaurant, my first since going back. Yes babes I am back there. It's easy and familiar and when everything else fell apart, I went back. Tonight was really hard, the evenings are always the worst. Mornings start OK and things get worse as the day goes on.

While the restaurant is the same, I am a very different person. I used to be happy.

As the evening started to draw to a close I could feel that same No building in me... No no no, please don't make me have to leave here and not be able to call you. 

"Hey, I'm done, what are you up too?"

I made that call to you every night I worked there, and I was there for 7 years…

Please don't make me go home to an empty house. Ollie won't have had an evening walk, and you two won't be waiting for me cuddling on the couch. 

So I walk to my car and the tears pour down my face. I have to do it. I have to get in my car and not call or text you. I have to go home and walk through the door and you're not going to be there. 

I have went to text you countless times. I check my phone all the time and while it's nice to have love from others I know I am still hoping it will say Babes text message. It never does. I have grabbed two forks for dinner. I have picked up my phone to call you, and I often feel like I am waiting for you before going on walks with Ollie. 

Somethings hurt so much and make me feel so fragile. Many of them I can avoid. If I know it is coming I can put on the armor and shut down. But this, no avoiding it. I was finishing up the end of night tasks and the sadness was building. There was no friend to call or activity to do that could make it better. I had to walk out the restaurant doors, it hurt so badly. So bad that the word hurt seems insignificant. There was no way to prepare, no time to put on a shield, an exorcism pulling at pieces of my heart and soul.

No no no no no no no. It hurts. God it hurts so bad.