Nothing Feels Right.


Babes, I have felt off since I’ve been back. Hell I have felt off since your accident. Tormented. Thinking of you constantly, like a compulsion, there is no space, and it feels hard to breathe. You are in my mind most of the day. I feel like I am failing. I am angry, I'm sad and hurt and many other emotions, but mostly I am angry. Babes, while I have been able to maintain the resemblance of a ‘normal’ life, I'm tired. Exhausted in a way sleep can't fix, this is relentless and it seems like there is no reprieve. I am doing my best taking care of things, but no matter how much I do, it seems like there is always another thing to which I answer in my head, Rene would look after it.

I have picked all the weeds and the front looks beautiful, well it needs done again they grow so quick. Your crew used to do that, but they aren't around anymore.Then there was a mouse in the house… So, I put out traps and I caught it. I would never ever have done that before, you would have. I hated doing it, I feel so sorry for the little guy. I hated that I killed it, and was devastated when I saw it and had to deal with that. Babes, I know you'd be so stoked that I did it, but also shocked. Haha if I could tell you the story in person, you wouldn't even believe me because me with you would never have done that. Like a lot of things around here.

I’ve figured out how to work the irrigation but am still confused with the automatic system. Babes, you just did so much, I knew about it but not all about it. It’s time to plant the garden, we would do that together and I remember you saying irrigation is easy but you can charge a lot for it. You said I was lucky because I had you to do it. Now I'll plant the garden but you're not here to set up the irrigation, and I’ll sort it all out but I don’t want to.

My Dad was over the other day and asked if I have changed the filter for the furnace… Didn't even know that was a thing, but it only took a second till he found a replacement just beside the furnace. Of course there were, of course you were prepared and had been taking care of that all along.

It's killing me Rene, and I do not use that word lightly, not anymore. Everyday something else. A new loss, a new missing. Something else I have to learn. I know I am growing and individually none are big deals but sometimes I just want to scream, are you fucking kidding me? Enough already, enough, I can't do this anymore. Babes it hurts so bad, all the time. It is tearing me apart. 

You, never coming back? No. There are so many loose ends. You didn't get to say goodbye. You would have told me about everything, you would have left me with lists. Now, I learn as I go, as things come up, as I get mail prompting me, or people asking, or showing me. Sometimes I search for things of yours I may have missed. I came across your golf bag and searched every pocket hoping to find something I missed. Something from you, something to make this better. I realize how crazy this sounds, but it can't sound as crazy as it feels. 

You didn’t get to say goodbye. You never just left me, you would never leave me. You were committed to me, to us, you went the distance. I look around our house in shock. As my life seems to be going back to a version of normal this all seems more shocking, more confusing, I'm unsettled.

I feel a part of me that really doesn't care, doesn't care about life, about much of anything. I am moving on and doing things, and building a new life, but there is an aloof quality. This paradox of knowing life is precious and fragile so desiring to soak it all up, and also a complete disregard for my time here. It just hurts so fucking bad. Nothing feels right. It is like I’m watching myself live; doing thing, making plans, but it doesn't feel like my life. I put some of the pictures of us back up in the house, fuck it. It is still our house, and I am still in love with you.

Life without you doesn't make sense baby. Loving you.