Only Because I had You.


Babes, Where do I start. I feel like I have no words, like the only words are the same words I have used time and time again, but the feeling isn't the same. I miss you. I have said these words to you hundreds of times I’m sure.

You’d hear it if one of us had been working a lot and we hadn't had much quality time together. If you were out of town, or I was. I said those words to you through the phone, to your face, and in love notes. I have said them many times since your accident.

Ravaged by your absence, I feel empty. I came home from Australia to the beauty of our front yard. We had never seen it like this. Being the last of our renovation projects, your friends came and finished it, so this was the first time I had seen the flowers in bloom. It is beautiful. For just a moment when we drove up I was in awe of its beauty, but within seconds felt the stinging pain that you wouldn't see it.  Fuck babes, I am so angry that you are not here. Being back home is intense, it was intense when I was away as well though. 

Today I put out our patio furniture and started cleaning the garage. Your skates, your travel golf bags, your snowboard and snowshoes. Your ridiculously huge collection of golf balls, and all your tools. What the fuck, how is this really happening? I can’t wrap my mind around living without you, I miss you so much.

I used to enjoy being alone but now I am mostly just lonely. A kind of lonely that can’t be helped, I find myself feeling lonely even with people. A feeling that is hard to describe, it feels like I have lost something. That feeling you get when you can't find your phone or wallet and are certain you had it a second ago. Only it has lasted 9 months. That stomach sinking, yuck in your gut feeling.

I seem to be moving on, doing all the normal activities people do, but it feels off. It is like I am watching someone live their life. A nice life albeit, with wonderful friends, and family. She does wonderful things, and has a nice day-to-day. The life seems wonderful, and if I had not had you in my life before this would be enough, this would be amazing. Only I did have you, so now I live with the feeling of loss.

I get angry, I get frustrated, I cry in the grocery store, and I struggle with small talk. Rene this morning for a moment when I woke up I remembered what it felt like to have you in bed next to me. For the most part I don’t feel you like that. I think it is too painful to remember you in great detail, to really allow myself to remember your touch. However, today before I was even fully awake it was like you were there. But you weren't.

Babes, I am missing you. I saw a man that looked a lot like you walking down the street yesterday. He was wearing a green golf shift, dress shorts, and flip flops, your go to summer outfit. I actually see you briefly in many people.

I wish you were here, with me, just hanging out on a warm Sunday night. I am loving you.