Babes, How is this our real life? How is it that I come home from teaching and the entire way I am searching for things to distract me from the pain. But there is nothing. As I get closer to home it settles in. The ache of unbearable sadness.
Babes today has been rough. I went from about a week of not really sleeping and feeling overly stimulated to crashing this afternoon. I knew it would come but fuck, the pain. Ollie and I tried to sleep in the living room by the fire but I just spent the hour I had crying. I had acupuncture and Paula, (babes that my acupuncturist, I started working with her after the accident.) anyways she used the word burden. Burden, was what was showing up as she worked with me.
I am sad to say that to you cause you are no burden to me, but this. This is really heavy.
I got it together to teach and then after I was searching for anything to do other than go home. But at the same time I am so bloody tired. As I got home and my roommate's car was in the driveway and not your truck… Babes I can't even go in. It's like if I stay in my car maybe there is a chance you will be in the kitchen waiting for me. With dinner made and Ollie walked, so we can just chill.
But I know you won't. I know I will go to bed without dinner because I don't care. And Ollie got 2 big walks today while I was trying to work all this through me. I get that this is part of the process but that makes it no less fucked up.
I am really struggling with coming to terms that this is real. You're never coming back. Your truck will never be parked out front of the house as an exciting sign that you are home. I loved seeing your truck at home.
Someone said grief is the most severe form of love, well Rene, I love you so much and I am feeling it in its most severe way.