Reconciling two versions of a life


Hi baby, I am sorry I haven't written in a while. I have tried so many times but can't seem to find any words. I am in this place of starting to live my life like you are not coming back, and I’m not sure how to reconcile that.

So it’s fucking Family Day. An unexpected pain it brings. We never cared much about holidays, usually we would still work, or not work, or whatever. We weren't really attached to the calendar for our holidays or work days. But today snuck up on me. You were my family, you were my person for half my life, and celebrated half my birthdays with me. But now, here I am, almost 6 months out from the accident; it is family day, in many ways I have a new life, and I am 4 hours away from turning 30.

This sure as hell is not a version of a life I ever thought I would live.  

Every single day I am working on learning to live again. And I mean working on it. Babes, I’m tired of being a fighter. I started running, I know you’ll find that funny. Family dayYes it is bugging my knee and aggravating my hip, and I am not even sure I like it. Although I hate it less than I used to when you would ask me to come with you, probably cause I am so intense right now; it's serving a purpose. Sometimes this energy gets stuck in me, it’s consuming. I will do anything to clear it and running kinda helps, I dunno. I know the only way to be less pissed is to really feel the pain. But that is catastrophic and sometimes I just can't lean into it, so I literally run from it but inevitably it overtakes me and I am forced to feel.

Tonight's the night. It is kinda welcomed. While it hurts so bad, so does the crazy high or this weird emptiness I feel from time-to-time, it is like I am numb.

Babes, to be honest I think you would be proud of how I am doing. I think I have done well being with what is. I for the most part have accepted this, but tonight, tonight I wish for one more moment with you. Could I just have a minute? Some time with something more than a memory. I don’t know if I am sad for me or for you. I hope that you just moved on to the next level. You always liked to win, be first, be the best. Maybe you just beat the rest of us. 

So what now?  I enter a new decade as a single girl. I was ready, I was ready to give all of me to us and now, now I entertain the possibility that one day I will love someone else. Only, I have never felt so broken. I see this girl, so fragile, so hurt, who would love her? In some ways I have been liberated from all the stupid shit that keeps people caged, but then there is this primal part of me that knows Pain. That part is terrified of letting anyone in, cause at any time they could just leave, and to go through this again by choice, that's a brave undertaking. On one hand I feel like I now know I can handle anything but on the other I feel like I am barely hanging on and I just want to protect my heart and hide it away from anything that could hurt it.

Rene, sometimes I think you are here, around me. Sometimes I can’t tell.  Fuck. babes, I am so sorry. It is like I have a totally new version of my life and it isn’t bad. Really I’m Ok. On solid days I can get it together and make the most of this, but tonight, tonight my heart hurts so much.

Are you OK? Tell me you are doing good, tell me you are having fun.

I’m taking good care of our baby, and she is of me. I am loving you.