Still Falling For You.


Babes, So much has happened over the last few weeks, moving out, hosting a retreat, moving in, and now going to Calgary. To get through it I dance this line of numb, and being fully engulfed in the task at hand. This has happened time-and-time again since your accident. You used to tease me and tell me to toughen up, I now know tough in a way you wouldn't even believe. But like colossal waves, in moments of privacy I am hit so hard. Seeing Ollie's sad little face in our new place. She is having a hard time settling in. She paces around, pants and won’t leave my side. She’s just so honest with her discomfort.

It's been a whirlwind of one thing after another, I’ve put my head down and got through it. Of course I have had the sweetest people helping me, supporting me. They show up for me and not even being dramatic, I owe them my life. See I am still so fortunate, I have much to be grateful for, and I count my blessings everyday. Still, things feel off. 

I went to Home Depot yesterday to get some stuff for the new place and realized I didn't need to call you and ask if there was anything else we needed. I always called you from there. I will never again have you explain to me all the odd things we needed that I didn’t even know existed. Not only did you know we needed them, you knew exactly where in the store to find them. Through the phone you would direct me as well as chat with me ‘till I found them. Never again will you help me create a house into a home. This place, my family, my friends, it is abundant. Only, the void of your loss so massive,  I'm left with an inescapable emptiness.

Right now I am supposed to be getting ready to go visit Jessica and Sarah, I was packing snacks for the drive ( a must when road-trippin' with you) and realized I don’t want to go without you. I couldn’t even keep getting ready. I think this is my first road trip since your death. well I drove out to Nelson a few times for school right after your accident, but I was really fucked up than, only I had no idea. I still am, only now I am more aware of it, not sure which is better.

I will be driving through Golden… I have some stuff to clear with that place. Every time I hear someone mention Golden, the kicking horse, or even Revelstoke my heart sinks and my stomach cramps. How do I make peace? I have some work to do around that, around your accident. I wish I was a leave well enough alone kind of girl. But, for better or worse I am not. I have known since early on I would need to go over what happened that day. I only got the story once, from C. It was the day after. They and I were in shock.  My Dad dealt with the coroner for me and while I know enough, there is much I need to fill in to put this to rest. One day, I will face even that. The confusion is toxic, the not knowing is confusing.

This experience has asked a lot of me. Has brought me to my knees, has tested my will and continues to evolve me. Like it or not, I'm on to the next. It is not much of a choice, I either go through this stuff full on or my world gets really small as I try to avoid it. I either walk into the hurt or I hide from it, and while this rips at me I refuse to live a small life. You my love would never be cool with that. So, Ollie and I will take our time and feel it all as we pass by the river where you took your last breath.

I am loving  and missing you so much.