Once Upon A Time.


Babes, Tomorrow was supposed to be our one year wedding anniversary. I don’t like to say ‘supposed to be’ because obviously it wasn’t really. But it feels like it was. The wedding was all planned, September 12th 2015. Only that turned out to be 27 days after your death. Last year there was no processing that I wasn’t having a wedding. The day came and went and I couldn't reconcile what was 'supposed' to be and what was really happening. I didn't really understand what you died meant than, and I am not sure I do even today. Someone wrote me earlier on and said she didn't think we ever understand it, only at some point we learn to live with the not understanding, we make a sort of peace with that. She is probably correct, there is so much unknown that I will never be able to make it make sense. All I know is once upon a time, I had you. Now you are gone.  

Once upon a time I was planning on being your wife, I thought I would have a wedding, and a marriage. The wedding was going to be so us. Only 50 guests, stripped down, and intimate. No bridal parties, walking down the aisle together just the two of us, minimal decorations, but lots of candles. Our first look was to be before; only you, me, and the photographer. That day would have been beautiful, romantic, and so much fun. Our wedding and vows were also to be uniquely us. Something you brought up in your proposal, which was a bit of a sales pitch as you weren't sure I would say yes.. Hahaha. Completely a reflection of my views on marriage, not us. You were so nervous, so sweet, and vulnerable. I hope I never forget that moment. In the proposal you said, ‘we can make the wedding and marriage exactly what we want, I just was to spend the rest of my life with you.’ And you did.  

I wrote to you about the wedding last year, but it was too intense to finish. I couldn't face the loss of you never mind all that was lost with you. Here it is:

Babes, I had wrote my vows to you. They needed some work but I had the outline. I was ready, I really was ready, I hope you know that. That you and I grew up to that place. That’s a big fucking deal. Thank you for showing me the way. Today would have been our wedding day. Instead I am at school, I was supposed to miss the first group session for our wedding, you know; priorities. So here I am trying to live. My vows done but not refined. I remember coming home from hiking with Ollie and telling you I had wrote my vows, and you asked if I could write yours as well. I wish I had gotten that moment, having you say yours to me, and me getting to see your face as I spoke mine to you. 

These are mine, they would have been reworded and polished but instead remain untouched from the first day I wrote them in the notes on my phone:

Can you believe I'm actually doing this?!?!?

When we got engaged my dad said to me, ‘you never know either way, so live your life the way you want.’

And I believe that is true. We don't know what the future holds for us. And I don't believe that getting married will cover us in a magic cloak blessing us, somehow keeping us together. Happily ever after.

I do however believe that our marriage is a snapshot in time. A time when i believe that we are meant to be together forever. A time when I set an intention to fight for us above all else. A time when i decide that we are better together than we could ever be apart. A moment when our life together becomes more important than our lives separately. For me it is a reminder that we chose each other to be witness and partner to our lives.

I hold this choice as sacred and I promise to treat our marriage and our journey together with the attention, respect, and care it needs to last a lifetime.

This decision for me is not just a quiet whisper in passing, not because it's the next step, and definitely not because others think it's right for us.

But rather in this moment, consciousness, and awake, in this ceremony sharing my intentions with our friends and family; I choose you Rene. I commit to choose you each and every day. And in the sweet day-by-day we will create our forever.

That was it; simple, real, honest. Us.

You never got to hear those words, and I never heard yours... which you were still trying to come up with. Tomorrow we will not celebrate one year of wedded bliss, and that breaks my heart. Still, I am beyond grateful to have had what we did. Married or not, we had a Great Love. An epic love that will go on into life times, that possibly started far before this short time we had together.

Babes, I am devastated that I am going on without you. The one man I was ready to say yes to forever with, when I thought forever was going to be much much longer. Thank you for all you were for me. For loving me like you did and allowing me to love you, I draw from that daily.

Two years ago tomorrow you proposed, one year ago tomorrow we were to be married. 392 days ago tomorrow you left your body and all the subsequent ‘supposed to bes’ went with you. Rene I wish I knew how intense my love for you was when you were here. I hope you knew, I pray you know.

Yours always, and always loving you.