To Live


I want to live, now more than ever I want to live. I want to live this life so fucking bad, to it's fullest potential. I need to, there is no way to be this close to death and not feel the need in my cells to live full on. Well I guess it is not guaranteed. I have heard from people who have gone the other way. Who have been so close to loss that it has stopped them in their tracks. It has filled them with fear to the point that they are walking dead. I however crave life. The only thing I am happy Rene did was live. I look upon our life, his life and I am grateful for all he experienced. All the things he did, saw, the life he really lived. I am not so interested in what he accumulated, or bought, or owned. In the end all that warms my heart is the life he lived. The friends he made time for, the activities he did that made him smile. I love that that man knew how to live and now I too am ready to live again. I am just not sure how. I am feeling stuck, like maybe I just need to get away for a bit.

So tonight, over dinner and a glass of wine with a friend I decided I will go to Australia for one month…

I have been there before, and it was amazing. I loved it. I want to learn to surf. I want to do yoga, I need to get away. I want to go somewhere where no one knows the pain I have lived. Where just for a little while I am just some girl. I want to be in a place where not everything reminds me of the life I once had. This life that I never chose to end but that ended anyways. For just a little bit I need to be able to live and not worry about it all, if it is the right time, if others will be OK with it, if I am Ok with it.

So, my plan. Get the hell out of here. It is the motivation I need to get through a few more big things that I am putting off because it is gutting. You know there is so much to deal with when your fiance dies, and it can all seem like too much. But I have chosen to stay and deal with it head on, I have fought for my healing, been as awake as possible for all parts of the process, for my life. But my drive to be impulsive and free has never been so strong. I, for just a moment need to get away from it all. To connect to who I am now, get comfortable in my own skin, know this new version of me. 

Australia, here I come! If you have ideas, suggestions, if you're a friend in Australia and I can guest teach for you, or you want to connect; be in touch.


~with love