To lose so many of the things and places I loved.


Babes,Family I was short on time this morning for Ollie’s run so I went up to the golf course. We haven't been there since last winter. I was feeling OK this morning. Then we started up the hill to the course and tears started streaming down my face. You used to come up here with us often. You used to go up here with Ollz and look for golf balls, “ ball shags”. Ollie loved them because you'd go way into the rough and search. I was on your case about the full size garbage can we have in the garage full of golf balls. It's  excessive and I'd say you should get rid of them. You would pretend you didn't hear me…Now they'll probably stay in our garage forever.

We have come up here Christmas morning for the last three years before the craziness of family Christmas Day started. We would come up here and walk while Ollie ran. It's peaceful and quiet no one around, probably cause we weren't supposed to be walking there. Haha you never cared.

I see you everywhere. It is hard when it is so unexpected. I don't have time to put up the armour. I can tell that I am much harder than I used to be. Closed off and sharp. It's protection. When you start feeling more you feel more of everything. More joy and pleasure but also truer pain or sadness. So to protect myself from the unbearable pain I give up as much emotion as possible. Sacrifice the good to soften the intensities of the bad. But there are times when I can't prepare, when the pain sneaks in and overtakes me. Numbness a welcomed state.

Chelsea and ReneYou my best friend and Ollie's best papa, it feels like pieces of you are being ripped out of me. The pain manifests in the physical. My body hurts from it, I lose my breath, it feels like something is being pulled out from deep inside me. I grit my teeth and bare it just begging for it to pass. It does, but I know it will come back again and again.

What sorrow to lose so many of the things and places I loved. Because we loved them. Do I keep coming here till it hurts less or do I let all of those places and things rest with you? We were so intertwined, you apart of all my great passions and loves. Let them all go or find a way to love them again without you. I wonder if that is possible? Will the shadow of you be there always? Part of me holds so tightly to every memory of ours, all our photos and videos because I never want to forget you, any detail of you. Then there are times like these where all I can see is you. 

Babes I miss you doesn't seem like enough but I know you know what I mean.

Love you