Let's Keep It Clean


Did you even know this could happen? Did you know that someone you love so dearly could be ‘taken away’ with no warning? I don’t like that term because I’m not really sure they are 'taken' but there is no good way to say it. I used to hear it in the news, people are in accidents and are ‘taken’ all the time, but I never really thought about what that meant. I have experienced very few deaths and all of them were anticipated due to illness or old age. We were given a warning, we knew so we could prepare, we could say all we wanted to say to make sure they knew how we felt. We were able to get as complete as possible. But I didn’t really understand that sometimes that’s not how it goes. I never even thought about it, it wasn’t a concept I entertained. Rene would from time-to-time mention that one day our puppy would pass away, it really upset him when he thought of it… We had no fucking clue. What I am going to tell you now is very important. Again this is not about living in fear of losing someone, although I now know that is a very real possibility, this is about living with intention. I can credit a few select things for any resemblance of sanity or peace I have. You need to understand this, then immediately apply it to your life.

I have come to call it clean pain. The pain of a loss like this is also something I never knew about. Now I am full on in it, and it is gripping. But that is not what this is about, this is about a very precious “gift” Rene and I were given. Sometimes I wish this happened to someone else, someone we knew so we could learn these lessons vicariously. But it didn’t, it happened to us, so the best I can do is share it with you and let you learn.

It all started with my parents, I had great role models for a partnership. Still when Rene and I were younger we were all passion, we could be volatile and crazy. You know all the bad choices you made with your high school hookups? Yea we did that to each other, but we stuck with it and refined the art of communication. Even so we had our ups and downs, we had our epic moments and our disagreements. Through much of my yoga training I was taught about integrity, about real honesty, and about vulnerability. I brought this into my relationship with Rene and we worked on cultivating stronger communication, deeper honesty, and cleaning up any unsaid thoughts. This made our lives sweet, this made things easy and uncomplicated. Rene and I were in the most precious place. 27 days out from our wedding, this sounds like it would be a delightful time but I know for many couples this time is unsettled. I am so grateful that Rene and I made a pact to enjoy the process. We made a deal that it would be stress free and there would be no fights about it. I knew how privileged we were to be throwing ourselves an indulgent party and wanted to make all parts of it enjoyable. So there we were, in this precious place. There was nothing unsaid, there was no undercurrent of tension, or irritation; there was only love. We were complete, we were so complete considering we were in the flow of life, just doing our thing.

I now have a lot of pain but I am certain this pain could be much worse. Sometimes I am not sure how I could feel worse,  but I Know this to be true. My pain is a clean pain. I feel no regret for my behavior. Granted, I wish I had just loved him up so much more, I wish I had been more present, or said I love you more, but that is simply the longing for more time with him. I know I did right by Rene. I have no guilt around who I was in our relationship, no secrets, no lies, no hiding. From time-to-time  I wish I had shown him my wedding dress.That's the only thing he hasn’t seen, the only secret. The point is this, when someone leaves you what is left is all you didn’t get to tell them. All you didn’t get to say. Any of your bad behavior or questions you never asked.

I call this dirty pain. You not only have to feel the loss but you will be torn up by all your shitty behavior. I think it would be far more devastating to not only feel the sharp pain of loss but to also hate myself. To question my behavior, or our relationship.

I have been going through Rene’s life. So unfinished, his tabs still open on his computer, his truck was a mess, I listen to the last 50 songs he played on his phone. As I go through his things I am so thankful that he had no secrets from me. As I go through his stuff anything I hadn’t known about that I find only makes me love him more. There was a funny text that he sent my sister, there were a few pictures I hadn’t seen before, and I have gotten messages from people telling me about how he impacted their lives. All of these things only make me think he is even cooler than I knew. How sweet that he wasn’t hiding anything from me. That my perception and reality a match. That there is nothing that I need cleared up.

This is not about losing someone, this is about living more clearly. There isn’t time for games, or secrets, do not wait to sort it out. Clean things up with your kids, your partner, you family. Live like that, it makes life so delightful, and it has been my saving grace.

I will never be “normal”, this will forever have changed me. I will never ever, and i mean ever, leave things unsettled. I will never let my future kids or partner wonder if they are loved, if we are good. This is really important. If there is anything unresolved clear it up now. You may, or you may not have the time you think you have. Plus what a waste of the time you have to let it be murky. Remember this, clean versus dirty. Life is transient, situations come and go, keep it clean. Live intentionally.  Do your best.

We were given this and I want you to have it as well.

With all my love