It was blunt, but so am I; that didn't really bother me. It was clinical, concise, and clear. She used medical terms but it was nothing I didn’t already know. Of course reading it tore at my guts. Asphyxia due to drowning. There in black and white, no sugar coating. No bullish cliches to follow, 'at least he died doing what he loved'. Or, 'at least it was quick'. I hated when people would say that shit to me. They would say things to make the moment easier, only it did nothing for me, because my mind would flash to the reality of what you lived through. To what really happened to you, and no pleasantries make the hell of your last moments better. So, the no fluff of her report while harsh almost gave me permission to be hurt, and in a way I appreciated that.I kept reading and hit the synopsis of events, and that is where I saw it. “Unraftable waters” she wrote.
There it was, the whole truth. A part of the story I was missing. I read her explanation of how you guys ended up in these waters and it said ‘unintentionally’, only I can’t be so sure. I know you. Always pushing the edge, adrenaline junky, taking risks being so sure it would go your way; was it 'unintentional'?
Did you even think of me? What would happen to me if this happened to you? Of course you didn't, a little selfish and the eternal optimist, you thought anything could be fixed. I'm sure you didn't even think about what could really happen, what you would be leaving behind, or how we would fare. You were never a worst case scenario thinker and I loved that about you, until I read this report. In a split second I felt anger for your irresponsible ways.
I read her report and for the first time felt blame fill my heart. How could you do this to me? I felt anger and hurt. I also sat and wondered, what if. What if you had stopped before that section? What would my life be like now? Married, with you. What a different world. I have shut that thought down so quickly over the last 16 months. It is toxic for me to entertain the possibility that you could have come back that day. A fantasy that can never be real, thinking about it makes reality worse, so I usually do not let myself go there. But her description of events was so clear I saw that there was space for that day to go differently and for a moment I could not stop the meandering of my mind to what life could be like if you had come back to me. What if you came home, you were still here, and I wasn’t this shell of a girl torn apart by your death? Rene, how could you leave me? Of course you never thought this would happen, and to be fair the other 3 boys did walk away from these ‘unraftable waters’.
Blame. It's an awful emotion. And really it is just masking an intense pain that comes with wondering if it could have all been another way. If there is a realm where you didn't die. The hurt that comes with that thought is too much. Sadly the uglier emotion of blame is easier. Only it is layered with guilt and self hatred. How can I be angry at you, you died. It doesn’t really seem fair to be pissed at you now. And yet, here I am. Feeling like you abandoned me. You left me, and while it was an accident, it was also a huge fucking risk. That's how we lived, all in. Most days that has saved my heart, knowing you lived full on, you did so much, you really lived your time here, but as I read those words your live fast mentality pissed me off, as it has many times before. Only this time I don't get to tell you it was stupid, or careless, or reckless. This time I just have to make peace with it on my own.
This is the first time I have really thought maybe it could have gone differently. Up until now I have felt like maybe when it is your time it just is. Maybe our time here is more fated than we like to think. Maybe like a video game when we do all we need on this level we move on, some getting through it quicker than others. Or maybe we are born with a deadline, we just don’t know what it is. Maybe it wouldn't have mattered if you guys had left the water earlier that day, maybe it was just your time. Maybe I would have gotten a call about a car accident, or a heart attack, or a fall, or some other ‘accident’. Maybe it had nothing to do with the 'unraftable waters' and everything to do with timing.
Babes, my anger is just overwhelming sadness. You always knew we were OK as long as I was still in the conversation. Mad, arguing, frustrated, it never fazed you. You knew me well enough to know we were fine as long as I didn't stop talking to you. It was only in absence of emotion that you worried. The times I just had nothing left to give, nothing left to invest, or nothing left to say. Those were the times we were in rough waters. So my blame, and anger is not to be feared. We both know it will pass, and truthfully at the heart of it all is my love for you.
Yes babes, until we meet again I will wait for you. I will live my time here to its fullest, but I will always be awaiting the day we are together again.