We Meet Again

Babes
I feel you. I feel you keeping me awake in conversation but can’t quite make out what you’re saying. I have dreamt the most of you here than I have in a long time. It’s like you’re here. I wake up being sure we were talking but can’t remember anything but a feeling and some parts that seem dreamlike. I am awake now, longing to sleep but wide awake. This is the way it was all the time after your passing. I’d be awake writing to you constantly. As though if I were still in a conversation with you, you were not really gone. Only this feels different. It feels as though I am the one loosening the grip, but you’re wanting to stay up all night sharing bedtime stories.
Maybe you feel the closest to me here as well. Maybe there is something special about this place even though we’d never been here together. It’s been the place I have felt the closest to you for a long time.
Perhaps our old home town is too painful for either of us to spend too much time so we meet here.
I wish I could decipher what it is you’re telling me. It’s as though the translation is just out of reach. Like I know you’re trying to tell me something but what I can’t be sure.
As time has passed, I think you’ve softened your hold. I know I have. I think you spend more time away from me than you did early on, but this week it feels like you’ve come to visit. I write, trying to clear what it is between us, but struggle to hear you.
Maybe it is clear. Maybe I just don’t want there to be the veil between us, that is the space between the living and the dead. It feels as though it’s thin. As though I know you’re here, and yet you’re not here in a way I can make sense of. Not here in a way I can be sure of.
You’re not here in the way I want.

But I’m grateful you’re here at all.
I keep saying every year will be my last, and yet every year, everything aligns beyond my efforts for me to come again. Almost unbelievably so, almost like something is working behind the scenes. Maybe it’s your efforts. Maybe I am not the only one choosing. Maybe you like the visits as well. A tradition that you enjoy as much as me. Maybe here, my soul is more open to visiting. Maybe as life at home has built up for me, I’m not able to connect in the way I did and maybe here for a moment in the deep of night in the middle of the jungle in some way; we cross paths again.
Thank you for being here. I wish I could understand more. I hope you can feel my love.
With all of my heart, on this Valentine’s day I’m loving you.