What's It All For?


Babes, I am struggling. There are two very polar parts of me, my higher self, my Self, the part of me that can take this and feel for the lessons and learn. And then there is this part. The part that is so pissed off, so hurt, and feels like I can't handle this. Feels like I am being crushed under the weight of it all. This part of me that aches so bad I don't even know how to endure it. I scream in my car, I cry, no I sobb,  my body shakes; there is no relief. Nothing makes it better. You could. You would give a huge hug and hold me so tightly and in that somehow things would always be ok. And now the craziest fucking thing is happening and I have to do it alone. Sometimes it feels so heavy like I can't hold it anymore. I don't even know what it's all for. What am I doing here? What is the point?

Babes I just want to see you again. To touch you. To love you. I just want one more night with you. Well I actually want another 21,900 nights with you. That is 60 years and before the accident that didn't seem impossible. 29. 29, we are so young.

I don't know how to do this. The pain so bloody intense and there is no way to make it better.

It is messing with my face. I always kinda thought I would naturally look youthful into old age. Not anymore… My face hurts from crying so much, and this is the norm now. I can see the lines, I can see the  life being sucked out of me. This is aging me and not just the surface. It is taking a toll on everything.

I hate when people say, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. No, No somethings don't kill you but they for sure fuck you up.

I realize this is  the behavior of a child. The emotion so intense it is all I can do; a temper tantrum. I used to have so much emotional intelligence and be relatively in control. Not anymore. Now like a child I am at the mercy of what is passing through. I am at the mercy of the frustration, the anguish. I am at the mercy of the pain.

Babes if the depth of pain is a testament to the love; you were well loved.

Rene I am missing you more than I ever thought possible.